Not much to say

At least, about bdsm, kink, or asexuality. Not right now.

I could write about the loneliness of holidays marketed as a family event when I'm unlikely to ever have a family, but that's too much self-pity for me right now.

If you're reading this, have a better holiday than I will. Ho Ho Ho.

On Being Interviewed

Recently I was interviewed by submissiveProud.

It was a bit of a shock to see something I said as an offhand comment given such prominence but I guess I can't control how others react to my words. For me, saying "I would like to empower other women to be more open about their dominance" is much less important than empowering submissive males to stand up for their right to be sweet, caring, and kind human beings.

Too often this society devalues basic qualities of kindness and consideration for others as weak. The language of insult is to compare to a woman.

These things push the male who is in touch with his whole humanity to consider himself more female rather than more whole. It gives rise to such phrases as "getting in touch with his feminine side" and ultimately to men who hate being men. The lack of sensual, pretty, beautiful clothing for men leads to men who crave artistic, beautiful, and sensuous clothing to turn to sissification, because they have no option to be beautiful creatures as men.

Can we just put the whole nonsense behind us as a species, please?

Kindness doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong. Harshness makes you weak. We all need to depend on each other, and isn't it so much nicer to be able to do so from trust and caring?

Sensuality is as much a human need and right as eating. Beauty uplifts the spirit, and being able to consider the self as beautiful is another source of self-esteem, making for a stronger person.

Is it really important that I said I'd like to empower other women? Are there so few voices of a female Dominant viewpoint out there that this could be considered important?

I'd like to empower everyone to have the freedom to choose what is right for them. Not for others, but just for them.

Let male Dominants be allowed to be Dominant, just educate them to not be assholes who think that all women should be subjugated. Let female Dominants be allowed and supported to be Dominant also. Let the beautiful slave women who love being slaves, be slaves. Let the switches be switchy. Let the men who love to be giving and to kneel, be allowed to give and to kneel. Let both women and men grow in beauty and power, and know they have the ability to choose whether to give or to receive that power.

The Story of Twoo Domina and the Five Love Languages

How I feel loved:

1. Words
   These are nice but not that important. If any of the others are missing I will stop belief in the pretty words and trust you less and less.
2. Time
   Again this is not that important to me. Some time together is necessary but I often prefer doing activities together, than being social. My time alone with myself to recharge who I am is more important to me, and intruding on that time is an act of aggression. I even like to sleep alone. Same room? Maybe, if you don't snore, and if you've been good, and if I don't need time alone.
3. Gifts
   Maybe a little shallow but this does mean to me that you care enough to put your money where your mouth is. If you call me beautiful, then buy me beautiful things - and kinky things to hit you with. If you say you love me, then buy things to support my career or my charitable goals, or my non-kink playtime.
4. Service
   So very important. I do not feel loved when the dishes are not done, the beds messy, the floor disgusting. Gifts do not make up for lack of service!
5. Touch
   More important than touch is when to not touch. Yes, I love cuddling, and I looooooove having my feet massaged and spoiled. But when I need to be alone, I need to be ALONE.

How I give love:

I don't know. My distrust of words has made it difficult for me to say "you are beautiful and I'm grateful you're in my life" in the past. It's also very difficult for me to include another being in my world, because I have been so very alone I'm used to it now. Gifts? How could I give a gift to a slave. Would putting a slave to service count for him as my service to him? Touch is again, difficult to give.

I look at this and I feel ashamed, that I would be taking more than giving. Who would give himself for so little back? Are there men who desire this kind of constant giving, who feel more fulfilled by giving than by receiving? Who need to be needed, so much, that the giving would be enough?

Affection

"We know that you're not very high on sexuality. But what are your thoughts/opinion/feelings toward things such as : affection, tenderness, sensuality, cuddling, kissing, preliminaries, etc. How much do you need and enjoy these in a relationship? Do you fear going there because most guys will try to push it further? Would it feel better with a submissive guy that you know will never cross the line that you set?"

Affection, tenderness, and sensuality are wonderful. Kissing makes me uncomfortable as well, and preliminaries - such as oral or touching me - are right out. I love putting a man in bondage because well, he can't touch me when he's all tied up. I can explore his body with my fingers or with a crop and make it a beautifully sensual experience for both of us. I enjoy CFNM (clothed female naked male) for the same reason. He is accessible, I am not.

But then he wants more. He wants to get off. He wants to touch me, to please me. That's a valid need, for most people, but not for me.

Even submissive men have pressed for this, or, so-called submissive men. Or they have turned on me with blame and humiliation for not being sexual enough for them. Understandably I'm not into that dynamic. So how do I know for sure they will never cross the line I've set? Sex is powerful, to play with tease and denial is to play with fire.

It would take a rare man to always submit himself to me in that way, no matter how much I tease, to keep self-control because I will it of him.

Rewarding the submissive without sex?

So now I ask you a question: In what ways can you be rewarded when sex is not happening?

In reading Denying Thumper, it seemed that often he was rewarded for his denial and chastity by pleasing his mistress sexually. It is still gratifying for a man to see his woman enjoying herself and having an orgasm, this intensifies his desire for one himself simply because it is so hot for him to see her that way and makes chastity a bearable pain. Something worth going through, for her.

So what would reward you in a relationship if you never see her orgasm, if you never have that reward of her pleasure? If it never gets hot and steamy and amazing?

Personal Questions

There is some curiousity about what I'm like in real life, not as words on a blog. This is understandable. However I will not be answering certain questions that would make it easy to find me in person. I hope that can be understood as well. There are sometimes things I may say about the scene, and they are not about the scene in Quebec City, but where I was before. These things could be a violation of privacy - if it's known where, the who would be too easy to know. I have not entered the scene locally as I had a very bad experience and am hesitant to open myself to that again.

I will however answer some questions about who I am and what I like in vanilla.

"Outside of D/s relationships, what are your main passions or hobbies?"

I am ashamed to say, but I love to play videogames, especially RPGs such as Oblivion and the upcoming Skyrim has me very excited. I also like to read about cooking, although it never seems to turn out like the beautiful pictures when I try. Never trust a thin cook?

"What kind of social activities would you like to share with your submissive boyfriend?"

With a slave or two I would like to enjoy occasional nights out, all of us dressed up, perhaps visit an art gallery and laugh at what people call art, then eat at a fine restaurant and relax to a beautiful concert, perhaps some kind of chamber music.

On a more regular basis I would like to play games together after dinner, he would bring me my chocolate and cookie and together we would slay monsters.

The most important shared activity would be as a workout partner. I am rehabilitating from injury and am a couch potato now but I used to love sports. Even some walking, yoga, minimal weights for me, while he would work out more strenuously, would be a fun time. Plus I can watch him when it's too much for me. These things are so much more fun with another soul to share it.

 "You mentioned shamanism and spirituality in bdsm, what is your spirituality and how important is it to you?"

That's going to have to be another blog post.

As you can see I am a very boring person, nothing exciting or dashing. Oh well.

Is my asexuality positive choice or innate?

Started to respond to an email but realized it would be better as a post. The question was if my asexuality was a positive choice.

I read once on Fetlife, a comment where someone stated that rape makes women find more enjoyment in rough sex afterwards. This opinion was stated as fact. FACT! Someone had a hidden agenda there, to destroy women's enjoyment of sex completely all over the world. But many take this as true, when the opposite is true. Rape, real rape, makes people find less enjoyment in sex.

As for me, I started off not needing or wanting sex to be happy, and to have fun with it was a huge effort not really worth my time for such a temporary enjoyment, that I made as a concession to my vanilla partners, as an attempt to seem normal. Yes I had fun, but it was still messy and uncomfortable and I'd rather just play videogames together, or beat him. After the constant pressures to be sexual for other people but not for myself, I find sex disgusting and non-sexy. Don't get me wrong, I have had great sex. I just find it non-important. Now I have health issues where I can't have intercourse, and they still press for it! Pathetic.

I despise those who can't control themselves. If I don't respect someone for their character and morals I find them less and less attractive. That I control my desires much more easily is perhaps unfair but this control should be a goal for everyone. A big sexual drive should never be something used as an excuse to ignore and dehumanize others' needs. So you have a big drive? Go tire yourself out to the point you are capable to behave well with others.

Sexual dominance in animals is often born of the amount of sex drive they have. So then, too, people claim that I can't possibly be Dominant while being asexual. I am quiet, soft-spoken, sensual not hard, so of course, I must be submissive, no? They then try to dominate me into sex! Again a turnoff, not only ignoring my sexual needs but my emotional ones as well. Then puzzled that I could possibly turn down all that man! Pathetic, again. I am always clear about what I want and what I need, people ignore that and don't understand why I'm not happy to jump into bed with them? How stupid.

How unsexy is stupidity.

Then the despair that all men are stupid and half of women also. The always feeling very alone, but happier alone than with others because of the lack of pressure to be something I'm not.


So I was not quite asexual to start off with - capable of feeling attraction, capable of orgasm, but my drive was close to nonexistent.

Even looking at celebrities other women want, I get no response, no buzz. These are celebrities - men with looks, money, talent, power - and I don't want them. Some regular guy wants me, what does he bring to me, when I don't even want a man for looks, money, talent, and power all together?

Now so many things are a turnoff that I choose to identify as asexual, in order to avoid constant explanations of where the boundaries are, and exactly how meaningless sex is for me: Look, but don't touch. It was not a positive choice at all. I would have preferred a considerate, sexy, smart, moral, capable man with the self-control to wait for me to have that moment of actually wanting sex, months, even years. Now I don't want it at all because after being attacked and pressured over and over, my needs and desires ignored, has made it all sour. There is no sweetness in the world to fix this.


You can't unpressure. You can't unrape. You can't undominate someone who hated every second of your clumsy attempt and you can't make them undespise you for trying. So have self control in the first place and listen to what the person tells you they need.

Feminine Superiority

"Do you believe women are naturally superior? Or that the world would be better if women were in control and all men were submissives to their wives/girlfriend?"

No.

I think that's just as much a trap as thinking that all men are naturally superior and that all women should be submissive. I've met male and female submissives who were happy and fulfilled, and male and female submissives who were really switches, and males and females who were Dominants. Should I force a Dominant man to become my slave by breaking his spirit and allowing him no option to be his true self? No, same as I would hate that to be done to me!

What works for me in my relationships to make me feel happy and fulfilled in them, may not work for others.

What I do believe, is that the values of femininity are something that is much needed in this world: kindness, consideration, empathy, wholistic thinking. Consideration for future generations of the Earth, stewardship of our natural resources rather than exploitation, these should be a matter of course, not something special, and especially not something mouthed by politicians to gain votes then ignored after.

But this is a fault of the quality and type of leadership we have in the world today, not a matter of gender. Divisive tactics, jealousy and insecurity, have been allowed to lead for too long. The women who have been allowed into high position in the world have all exhibited these same fractured morals and values, because they have risen through the same system, and cut off their natural values in the same way the men had to do in prior generations.

The world is big enough to share! There are enough natural resources to feed ALL the world's population! We have the technology!

I believe that men who act with honour, integrity, and quality leadership may in fact deserve their Dominant position in their personal relationships just as much as I do in mine. That those who find meaning in being a slave - may find it, no matter their gender or orientation or identity.

To me, a world where all women are dominant and all men slaves is unbalanced. I would have preferred a world of complete equality when I was younger, before I knew that some people truly do wish to be slaves and find joy in that. Before I had any relationship of my own and before I realized that in any relationship, there is a leader and a follower, and though the outer, visible roles may change based on what's happening in life, the true dynamic is that one surrenders to the other more naturally.

I myself will never surrender naturally. Lost in the grip of a fantasy so strong, that to not follow it would break me. Anyone who loves me, would have to love that about me - that I must be the one in charge. I need it like I need air. You must allow me this, and surrender your power to me, to be used by me for the both of us.

Alone, I am in charge of myself. Together, I must be in charge of you. It's how I am made. But I will not dictate that as the one Twoo way for others.

I'm back!

It was not a cold. It was a full-blown, miserable flu. I didn't event want to get out of my comfortable blankets to cook much less look at the computer screen, even though I missed you all. Now that I feel human again I will be happy to write more and answer my correspondence!

You, my readers, make this blog what it is. You challenge me to think, to understand, to express. You are my mentors and my cheering section. This little blog of my thoughts and feelings, has become something that inspires others as you inspire me. It gives me hope that I'm not as alone as I thought. It's wonderful.

Thank you.

The White Piggy in the Room

What is the appeal of financial domination for the men who practice it? I mean, it's obvious why a woman would like to do that. Make fun of people and they give you money? SIGN ME UP. Right?

Well, it's complicated.

Humiliations and degradation of the male is a perverse reverse side of the coin for the humiliation and degradation of the female.

Would it be so common if the established attitudes weren't all stereotypically one-sided?

I discovered Ayesha yesterday. As much as she goes straight for shock value there is some substance there.

If humiliations and degradations of the male include dressing them as female, that is not in fact degrading to the man but to the woman. Just like in online games or in business, men insult other men - not by calling them immature - but by calling them women. This is more insulting to any woman present than to any man, because it infers that even grown women are "worth less" than immature men, ie, boys, simply because that's the worst insult you can do aside from calling someone a nazi. But calling a woman a man is not supposed to be an insult? Huh?

I'm sure there must be some men who debase themselves and wish to be elevated to the status of women by dressing up and feeling beautiful - but again this is a societal problem in that maleness and male bodies and male dress are not currently allowed to be perceived as beautiful! Which is just sad.

Then, there's the white piggy syndrome. Similar to the white elephant, in that it's ignored. If you take money from your submissive, you either DON'T TALK ABOUT IT or you brag about it and make it part of your schtick.

There's no middle ground. There's the "good" Femdom, who simply doesn't tell people, and there's the "evil bitch" Femdom who revels in humiliating men and parting them with their money for her selfish purposes.

Why, in a "normal" Female led relationship, is this something to be hidden? It's just done, unspoken. Even when the woman has her own money, often the submissive will give her money as a symbol of surrendering his power to her for her use. But it's not talked about.

Is there a perceived stigma against the women who practice Financial Domination? Or the men who give money to women? Is it perceived as weak for a woman to accept money from a man?

Is it tied somehow to Pro work, that the men are paying for the humiliation they receive more than just donating to a woman's pleasure?

Please comment or email me or tweet, if you are a male who has given money to a Female Dominant. Let me know what motivates you to give. What do you get out of doing it? Is it the humiliation? Is it somewhat like donating to a charity and having that feel-good glow?

Help clear up my confusion on this, the White Piggy in the Room.

Why Consent is the Keystone

Lately I've been seeing an explosion of posts on the subject of abuse within BDSM. Women who've been groped at their first public play party. Men or women submissives who've had their limits pushed in ways that left them wrecked and then angry.

But isn't BDSM about abuse? Isn't what we do abusive?

NO.

How can that be?

We beat people, torture people, use people for household services and yes, sometimes money. We make them lick our feet, treat them as dogs or servants or even ashtrays for those that smoke...

And none of this is abuse, because of consent.

Clearly communicated, negotiated consent is the most beautiful thing in the world. Consent is what makes us NOT merely criminals, NOT victims, NOT predators.

It's also the most rare, even within the BDSM community.

The unfortunate truth is that predators of the criminal kind DO hide out in our communities. It's the nice, obedient sub who makes everyone brownies, and is publicly the perfect sub, but who rapes any woman who falls for the lie and takes him home. It's the male "dumbinant" who treats every woman as if she should be his slave, including Dominant women.

Consent is about restraint. It's about being in charge of yourself as the Dominant, and being honest as the submissive. It's about care and consideration for the other person in a scene and out. It's about making it good for everyone involved even as you do things that are nasty and depraved and seemingly abusive. It's about obeying a rule of law greater than the laws of the land - do unto others with the same care for their needs as they would have you do unto them. Just, their needs are to be spanked like a naughty boy and used by a beautiful, powerful woman. I think we're discovering now just how normal that really is, because of the proliferation of communication in this century.

Some people just don't find personal restraint to be sexy. I do.

Think about it. What's most hot - someone who has the power to overcome you through raw force, or someone who has that power but uses it lightly.

Consent lifts us up from the criminal into something almost spiritual. Where the sub is on a shamanic journey of pain-into-bliss, and the Dominant is steering the broomstick with paddlewhacks. Where the sub is doing seva (self-enlightenment through service, work offered to God,) through their devotion to a person.

Not having consent, robs BOTH participants of the beauty and power available in a truly consensually "abusive" relationship. Lack of consent gives a lack of transcendence.

I want transcendence. The power to turn this horrible, negative thing into something spiritually beautiful. The ability to restrain from acting on kinky desires until full, informed, communicated consent is given, is a sign of greater power and greater self-confidence. Once the scene begins, it's a controlled, beautiful, ever-shifting journey, where I feed off the enjoyment created by what I'm making him do. And that's hot.

Sex, Money, Power - The Secular Holy Trinity

Recently received a letter from a submissive male, who was attracted by my being asexual because that meant, to him, that this D/s thing I do is natural and innate and somehow more "pure" because it's separate from the need for sex.

I'm sure that does a disservice to the many fully sexual Dominant women who also have a natural and innate need for D/s but who also need sex. However I guess in my case it's easier to see where the one leaves off and the other begins.

The ways of power and control are to have: desirability or money or knowledge that others want. Using these three concepts to gain what the Dominant one wants and desires.

I struggle with expressing Dominance because a lot of the ways to express that are about sexual Dominance. These are the scenarios I've seen:

• I get sexual pleasure, you are denied, until I feel like it.
• I tease you, and deny you, and eventually when you are really good I may decide to grace you with a fulfilment of your desires.
• I am clothed but you are naked, you yearn for what is underneath the clothes and hope to someday be found worthy to see that. (The expectation is that someday the clothes DO come off? I think? And there is wild hot sex?)
• I see MY sexual needs met while yours are unfulfilled except as I see fit,  in a hot little dance of "will she let me come today? What about tomorrow?"
• I take and use you for my pleasure, not caring if you get pleasure from it also even though I'm aware that you do. You are just a dildo, a robot toy to please me.
• I don't get sexual pleasure from you, so I tease and deny you while gaining sexual pleasure from other men who please me more than you ever could. But it turns you on to see me pleased even if someone else does the pleasing, so we are both fulfilled even though the relationship may look odd from the outside.

But with me, tomorrow never comes. I can't be pleased. I don't want other men to please me because none of them do either. I was given a dildo once as a gift and it was sitting in a box for 10 years. No joke. I didn't need it and completely forgot I even had it.

To be sexually desirable is a source of power, but only when you use it. I think. Denial in the short term increases power but in the long term can cause unstable frustrations that can turn against the Dominant.

If you have money, you can use that to gain power over other people by manipulation of their desires for good things, or even for necessary things. But in a relationship dynamic of Domination, one partner having and possibly withholding resources could very easily be abused. Also, if I were to demand that a man give me all his money so that I have that power over him also, it brings up the archetype of the Greedy FinDomme - and his friends and family are more likely to be concerned about my fingers in his wallet than about my beating him!

If you have knowledge, you can use that to impress or influence, or to outright control a situation. Here, the tools of pain count as a way to achieve control, because of the knowledge of how to use the tools to achieve states of being in the submissive.

So here I am, desirable but not desiring, sensual rather than sadistic, and unwilling to take the step of demanding money because that's a whole HUGE can of worms I don't even want to deal with. Maybe I should deal with it instead of being scared of social backlash.

So what can I do in these three main concepts to gain the upper hand of power exchange in a relationship?

Desirability and Denial - this type of play seems to require occasional release for the man. His longing to actually have sex with me will be intensified by chastity. I could allow him to relieve his needs occasionally by masturbation, perhaps a specific vagina-like toy. Plus, that he would not be pleasing me sexually would mean he has less of an intimate surrender to MY pleasure than in a relationship with a sexual Dominant. Here, the relationship will be seen as less valid than a sexual one however. My fear in a teasing, chastity relationship would be that he couldn't be trusted to not push to have sex with me, especially if I'm doing everything I can to drive him wild. I don't even like kissing, how weird is that? Where is the line for control, when men have crossed that line so many times? Would it be harder or easier in chastity, if I could lock away the penis as a punishment if he tried to push me at all? Can I as an asexual being, have a relationship with a sexual being and have my partner happy in my inactivity? Michael Taylor said something on Good Men Project which gives me hope that's possible:

True love is a function of the heart and mind and has absolutely nothing to do with your penis. If you really want to make love, leave your penis in your pants and learn to take out your heart and share it with your mate.

Monetary Control - this would immensely help me to achieve the dynamic I'm looking for. The man with a good job coming home, handing over his paycheck and stripping down to an apron to make us both dinner, then cleaning up and bringing me a hot cup of chocolate as I watch my favorite show. The man as a barrier for me keeping Patriarchy's ugliness out of my home. However, this is an area of self-identity almost MORE touchy than sex. Plus well, it seems greedy doesn't it? I'm not doing anything to deserve that, or am I? He would not have choice of what to buy, what to wear, because I would be doing the buying and choosing, with his money. I find this hot, however the stigma against Financial Domination (and the language used on the sites when I looked it up) just isn't the dynamic I'm looking for. How do I get this dynamic without stumbling on the money pigs and humiliation fetish that I'm just not into? My advantage here is that yes I do really enjoy dressing up and buying shoes, all those typical Plastic Fetish Barbie activities. So his family might understand that he enjoys me looking pretty and enjoys spending money on me. Do they need to know that his cheque goes into MY account and he has only access to a small amount for lunches and errands? Perhaps the right submissive would be worth that kind of trouble.

Knowledge is Power - here, the willingness to inflict pain helps place the submissive more easily into subspace. When they endure pain for you, it makes you more valuable because they have already sacrificed comfort and achieved a state of bliss through the pain they suffered for you. I'm fairly confident that a more sensual journey can be equally intense, however that is playtime of a scene, not the daily intense intimacy of a quickie before bed (but he can't have an orgasm). The best use for knowledge is daily training, things to drop the man quickly into a peaceful, relaxed-yet-excited, submissive mindset. This is possible, but again more difficult without the tools of pain, sex or monetary control.

Logistics. Are. A. Bitch.

Then again, none of this is worth even trying if the man doesn't engage my respect and admiration, and interest in his mind.

I'm too used to being alone. Too much reliance on keeping myself entertained in my own company. I want to be loved, but do I even have love to give? Would I be able to take the time to maintain intimacy on a daily basis with one who serves me well? Even one I found interesting initially?

Would serving me be too boring and vanilla without the "standard" tools of the Dominatrix, pain and sex?

Rape is a Hate Crime

http://rapeisnotajoke.tumblr.com/post/10194808643/things-not-to-say-to-a-rape-survivor

The one thing here that I object to is this:

Rape is a crime of power, control, and extreme violence where sex is used
as a weapon against someone weaker. It is not sex. (Emphasis mine.)

It's not about how strong you are or how weak you are. Everyone has a weakness that can be exploited. None of us are safe. Why? Because the people who do these things study how to get past normal defenses. You are more likely to be raped by someone you know than by a stranger. Afterwards, there are always people who say "but they were so NICE!"

A stranger selecting a victim to be raped might choose a physically weaker person. A sociopath would choose anyone, then drug them to weakness. Trust is a weakness. Kindness is a weakness. Wanting to think well of other human beings is a weakness.

Trust is also completely necessary for adult human relationships, all of them.

It's not about weakness, it's about criminal betrayal of trust.

If you have been raped, or know someone who has, you know it's not about what the person did or could have done or that they shouldn't have trusted the nice gentleman/lady. It's about someone choosing to do a criminally abusive act towards another human being.

These criminals have a completely different values system - when it comes to the target. It doesn't make them insane. It makes them unable to empathize - with their target. (They empathize fine with the people included in their personal circles.) It makes them capable of acts that their target is most likely NOT capable of even comprehending based on a different system of values, and therefore makes the target have incredible difficulty defending against said actions.

When guns are regulated, only law-abiding citizens who take the steps needed for self-defense or hunting, will have regulated guns. Criminals will still have guns for killing people. Regular people who think that the police will defend them, will not have guns. The criminals with black market guns will kill the unprotected target equally easily.

Normal human society allows this lack of empathy towards "the other" no matter what that other is. If you're perceived as being "different" from someone, you can be a target of dis-empathetic hate crime.

Without the ability to dehumanize others, we would be unable to find soldiers for armies. Without the ability to close off empathy to people outside "our" circles, whether those be family, religion, culture... we would be unable to defend ourselves from those who have placed US in the outsider's circle and wish to do US harm.

So the scary part is, these criminals are completely normal. They are NOT insane. Turning off empathy is a NORMAL human response. What's abnormal is people like me who prefer to treat others with respect and obtain real consent, even when doing activities that most would not think of much less consent to having done to them.

Rape is a hate crime. It has nothing to do with the person being raped. Just like the citizens and children of a country being invaded did nothing to deserve the crimes against them by invading armies based on political power games. It's the same thing.

The criminal acts outside of the rules of society towards the target victim. The victim is not weak for being unprotected against a criminal. We are ALL unprotected against criminals, because our society does not place a great value on self-defense.

That women in particular have less options for learning safety and self-defense is not their (our) fault. But we can do something about that. Lets encourage our daughters to take martial arts in addition to figure skating or ballet or sports. If you can't afford it? At least get a dvd and get their hunger for knowledge started. LET THEM FIGHT OTHER KIDS, instead of neutering their ability to defend. Lets have early dialogue on personal safety that's not just about distrusting strangers but about how to evaluate how much trust someone you KNOW is worthy of receiving from you.

It's that important.

Making yourself a harder target to hit, doesn't make you not a target. You can't eliminate all your weaknesses, especially not to criminals. You can just make some fights not worth it for them.

What a thing to be thinking about on a Sunday morning huh.

Dating Tests and a Dominant Woman

After reading a bit of fluff on dating tests men do to determine their date's personality, I figured I'd give you all a good laugh.

• After opening the car door for me, I will sit there quietly and not lean uncomfortably far over to unlock it on your side. Why? You just demonstrated you have a key or one of those newfangled unlocker thingies. Good for you, now use it!
• McDonalds? If I ever have kids I might end up having to enter one of those places simply due to advertising, cheap toys, and peer pressure. Unless you're the man to make THAT happen, no way am I stepping foot in there! Would I accept low-cost dining options if you just blew too much money buying me new computer parts and need to save on dinner? Sure. Just not McDonalds. Ew. That's not even FOOD.
• If you try to make me jealous, I will go away. Why? Because if you were interested in me, you'd be interested in ME, not some other woman (or man or alien or um, being). You become less attractive to me if I feel you aren't into me. I have enough trouble being some weird freak-of-nature asexual Dominant girlie-girl geek woman, so if you indicate you want something else, go have fun with that something else. I won't fight for you. You will fight for me. Got it?
• You will carry my purse. It's not a bag, it's a purse, and it's girly. Deal with it.
  

Why we love submissive men - by jestergirl

An amazingly beautiful piece of writing hidden away inside of Fetlife, re-posted here with permission:

It is with great respect to submissive men that I attempt to write a respectful dissertation on this topic. This is just one girl’s opinion and in no way is meant to define or offend anyone

I feel that many of you have been wrongfully classified as weak men. You have not had any role models as you’ve walked this path. Somewhere along the line, you’ve been told that submission in a man is weak. It is my humble opinion that you are the strongest of men…

A truly submissive man is a protector, a servant, a planner, as well as a graceful reflection of his Mistress. He is conscious that his appearance is reflection of her and therefore endeavors himself to always be put together. He is a silent reflection of her strength and a supporter of her dreams and goals.

The greatest submissive men act with dignity, in fact they act with the dignity of the best butler…anticipating her needs because they know her. They know she drinks a cup of tea before bed and strive to have it waiting for her when she retires.

He strives to posses the best of manners, and what I mean by this goes way deeper that what the general society believes. He pulls out her chair every time, no matter the location. He stands when she leaves the dinner table…even when they are alone. He realizes that his manners are a reflection of his deep gratitude for her.

The greatest of submissive men are gentlemen first. They are honorable… they don’t act out in order to seek what might be an enjoyable punishment. In fact, a punishment is never enjoyable…it’s a failing to please their Mistress. And it’s never fun.

The fun comes not only from the deep service they provide, but also when they are alone…with his Mistress and a scene evolves. She knows him well and because he is indispensible to her, she will make every fantasy he has come true.

She values him tremendously. He is not less than her, but an extension of her. He is invaluable because even though he is submissive to her, he is not submissive to everyone. He serves her, and in that service comes a sense of joy and purpose. It also defines him as a man…a strong man…submissive man.

Thank you

Wow have I been lucky in the comments on this blog or what? You have all been amazing, brought interesting perspectives and at times illuminated the way I think about something to the point of change. Already.

A few tinder ideas kicking around in my head that haven't rubbed themselves together enough to make the fire of a blog post yet.

I'd like to write about gender inequality and how that applies to the power dynamics of Femdom relationships.
I'd like to write about how just turning the tables doesn't appeal to me and why.
I'd love to copy a post from someone on a fetlife group about how wonderful submissive men are, but am waiting for permission to copy.

Stay tuned!

Disrespecting the Submissive Male

As tomio points out in the beautiful comments on my first post, here I am perpetuating the stereotype of the weak submissive man.

So why is that?

I'm a Dominant woman and I love submissive males. They complete who I am. Right? But here I am, being disrespectful, even as I become sick at the fantasy of total disrespect. (Which I can sort of appreciate as a performance piece but even then... I kind of want to puke.)

Attitudes are such insidious things, aren't they. You can pick one up at a party like an unwelcome virus, go home, and never even realize it's not yours.

Part of this is that I just don't understand how anyone could submit and enjoy it, even as I enjoy that they enjoy it. I'm reassured that I'm not an abusive freak (like the people who tried to do things to me without my consent or awareness of what they were doing) by their enjoyment of it. It comforts me even as it gives me a rush. I got away with something that should have been bad but instead was amazing, and it's all because of a submissive man allowing me to be that controlling, beating, domineering bitch that I would never be able to be in polite company. I'm the weak one here, the wuss, the control freak because somehow deep down I'm insecure, maybe? But you turn your power over to me and trust me with it and I get to trust that you're strong enough I won't break you, and trust myself that I will be responsible with that power even as it goes to my head.

So even as I think you're amazing, strong, incredible... I can't fathom how you enjoy it. It's completely ALIEN.

Again, that I've never NEEDED any of this, rears up and I can't understand how people might NEED it, need that release and that escape and that subspace, to the point they reach for it despite other commitments that may make reaching for it dangerous. In a way I need it, but I've often been more okay with myself out of a relationship than in one, so needing a particular type of relationship that's tough to find the right match for is bearable. If I don't get it, I'm alone. So? I've always been alone, even in relationships.

This one's tough. I can't understand, therefore it's too easy to think of someone as weak for needing it, for taking risks that might kill their relationships among family or prevent access to their children unless they hide it from the world while struggling with who they are. When they're not weak, they're being fully honest to who they are, and trying to sort it out as best they can, which is all any of us can do.

I just read SCUM and I feel sick

It's going to take me a bit to process all that.

The main thing was the cruelty of considering men to be defective for having different-ly shaped chromosomes. Saying that they deserved to be killed for that?

I just... can't even...

Eeeyuuuugh.

Asexuality and Sex-Positivity

Recently I was challenged by @kittystryker on my attitude towards "hookers with a whip" displayed in my first blog post:

In the scene, a curious dichotomy of opinion on Pro-Dommes arises because of this fact. Some hate them for catering to men, and say they're nothing more than whores with whips. Some of them are nothing more than whores with whips, and do escort services as well.

 My prejudice is showing and I have to apologize to sex workers. Because what I said was patronizing and stupid. Her reply points that out beautifully:

[Y]ou can be a pro Domme who has sex with clients and be a Domme off work. We exist, too

If there's nothing wrong with sex work, which I can understand being a valid career choice for some women (and men) if they really enjoy sex and which would be safer if legislation supported it as legitimate work, then there can be nothing wrong with offering Domination and sex together.

That it's not my thing doesn't give me the right to look down on it.

That my reaction is born of frustration with people wanting to have sex with me when I don't want or need sex at all to feel fulfilled as a human being, still doesn't excuse it.

But how can I be sex-positive when sex hasn't been positive for me?

I have felt the ache of desire once or twice in my life, so I can vaguely understand how annoying it is when the object of desire is unavailable or unattainable. I seem to inspire it in others, to the point they go crazy and stupid when I reject them. It's not difficult to realize that's their problem, but when they make it my problem by threatening me, or by pursuing me because I'm "hard to get" and pretending to be what I'm looking for it becomes more unavoidable, and something I resent.

I love to look beautiful, but I'm afraid to be beautiful because then I'm crushed under an overwhelming wave of other people's needs, without any need inside me to match it.

Like when I listen to loud music and I yell along, not out of enjoyment, but to equalize the pressure of inner and outer sound, because it helps somehow to meet the wave of outer force with an inner wave of force. With sex, I have no inner wave of force to summon up to make it bearable.

How do I attract a sub to match me if I don't present as attractive, but when I present as attractive I attract men who want a kinky girlfriend-next-door? Ignore who I am and what I want because I'm beautiful enough that they feel that aching need for me to the point of stupidity. It's flattering. I'm sure I'll miss it when I'm older in a selfish, egotistical way.

My reaction has been to use them for what I can. Because eventually they'll realize that I'm not what they wanted anyway. They were fooled by the beauty and hoped that by getting close to me they would eventually have the chance to have sex. So then I use them and I'm a user, because it wasn't what either of us wanted but they insisted on being close to me, so I may as well, right? Until the scales come off their eyes and they see the person and realize that hey, I was right when I said we don't suit.

I see people that others want to have sex with, and although they might be beautiful, attractive, desirable, I have as much desire to fuck them as I have to fuck a beautiful sunrise. It's beautiful, it's there, I just don't want to fuck it. I can see that it's beautiful and desirable, and I prefer looking at beautiful and desirable (don't get me wrong, teddy-bear or cute is great too) it's just as meaningless in a sexual way as a natural object.

Plus, I'd rather have a small orgasm by listening to Opera than a large one by bumping uglies. After orgasm by listening to music I feel uplifted and not sticky, and I still feel uplifted the next day instead of uncomfortable with weird sensations in my body.

If I was the earth and you were the sky, and together we make the world, just by being near one another...

Once, I saw the most beautiful, gorgeous man ever. I was almost wet... then he opened his mouth and had the observable IQ of a wet noodle. Instantly unattracted as he became almost a featureless cardboard cutout of a man, not even as beautiful as I thought him initially. Reinforcing again that other things are just so much more important to me than sex or appearance.

Another time, a brief moment seeing the most HOT, SEXY hunk of a man I've ever seen... my mouth watering and my panties getting wet... it was a complete wonder to me that I felt something, anything at all. Like suddenly there's colour in the world. But his friends were misogynistic creepers so I didn't even give him a chance. I would have had to let them into my space if I let him into my space. So no. No regrets. I've seen colours now, and other things are still more important.

Those two moments made me think briefly that maybe I wasn't asexual. But then I realized this is how most people feel looking at reasonably attractive people. Maybe I'm lucky having felt that way at all, and being able to relate to normal people's needs that much more than someone who's never even felt attraction.

When I look at someone, I can see logically that they are attractive or not, but it doesn't have emotion attached to it, or any drive to leap on them. Occasionally I'll look at a picture of a man tied up, or naked with a cute butt, and I'll want to slap or flog that. It's still not sexual, even when it's a rush or a thrill. It doesn't get me wet it just makes me really happy.

So how to be sex-positive? All I can do is try to understand, and try to fight for safety and informed choice to be available to everyone. Even for things I could never be into, like sex itself.

Attracting the Down-to-Earth Dominant Woman

Posts by maymay about the end of silence about male submission and this post by Bitchy Jones asking why submissive men aren't trying to be as beautiful as gay men inspired me to write today.

Maybe submissive men join the community, run into the wall of silence maymay writes about, attempt to make themselves into pathetic worms to attract sexy, cruel Dominants, and miss the point that many Dominant women don't want pathetic worms anyway. That's scene stuff. All relationships are based on vanilla.

Let me repeat that again. ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON VANILLA.

Kinky relationships can be formed through play, but there's still a big core of vanilla flowing through that. Why? Because if you don't respect someone for the way they act and present themselves, you're not going to want to play with them. That's vanilla.

I am a Twoo Domme! Rawr!

As a woman, who identifies as dominant in the DS sense - that I prefer to be in charge in relationships, that I wish for mastery of self and mastery of others, I've been very frustrated in my experience of the bdsm community.

Aside from a few rare events solely orchestrated by women FOR women, the male-centric worldview keeps ticking along without any challenge.

Even a quick glance at the porn available for female domination reveals very little actual female domination. It's all about the hot plastic staged pro-domme, more interested in the camera, and much more interested in the money than anything else, being ordered around by the so-called submissive in the scene. It's still all about what the man wants, and a "true" domme is one who delivers the pain and sex that the man desires, in exchange for his money. All the pictures of this, are made for male bottoms, but labelled as female domination - NOT as female topping!

In the scene, a curious dichotomy of opinion on Pro-Dommes arises because of this fact. Some hate them for catering to men, and say they're nothing more than whores with whips. Some of them are nothing more than whores with whips, and do escort services as well. Others provide a service of pain that these men crave, but are too craven to ask their girlfriends or wives to provide and have a high level of professional quality in their work. (EDIT - Please read comment below by Galiana Chance about other aspects of Pro-Domination, expressed MUCH better than I could say!)

But there's another dichotomy around Lifestyle Dominants. Rarely do you see male so-called dominants telling another male dominant that all they really need is a true male dom to reveal their submissive side for them. Conventionally (and sometimes unconventially) attractive females, of any orientation, are constantly harrassed in local community events, until they prove they deserve their place.

Me? I'm young, beautiful, and completely asexual. I don't want or need sex to feel fulfilled. I've rarely ever felt sexual attraction to anyone. Because of that, I feel completely marginalized in the bdsm community. As a female dominant, I'm expected to want to have sex with my submissive(s). If I take his gifts and his money, I'm an evil financial domme and, for not providing sex, I'm an evil user not a "true" domme, and I should be providing a service for the money! If I had sex, I would be nothing more than a glorified prostitute, which is even more of a turn-off. Showing up at an event, I get swarmed by men, many of whom attempt to pinch my butt, until it gets out that I'm dominant. Because, it's totally acceptable to pinch a strange woman's butt at a party! I mean, wtf?

My first introduction to bdsm was in high school. The school's token "goth" dressed in black and led her boyfriend around on a leash. They both seemed to really enjoy shocking the normals. I didn't care.

After that, repeated attempts by men to be abusive to me, or to get me to dress up in leather and whip them for their pleasure, just put me off men more and more. Women mean nothing to me sexually, so now I'm left unattracted to either sex. It wasn't until I started researching bdsm more seriously after exiting a completely abusive relationship where the man had pretended to be sweet, kind, caring, and submissive to me - until I moved in - that I realized what I'd been missing my entire life.

I am a dominant woman. Despite the attempts of people around me to "break" me and make me something other than what I am, they can't break my fantasies. I crave being in control, in charge, worshiped and adored. Although I like to give pain, it's not important to me. Nothing is important to me but knowing that my slave is obedient and intelligent in his service to me. I want to know, that my life and my happiness, is more important to him, than his life and his happiness. It has nothing to do with hot kinky sex, just pure DS. A vanilla life, with kids, where I happen to simply be in charge, and where the man works his ass off to please me. Buck stops here. I come first, always, as a matter of course, which gives me the freedom to then consider his needs and his interests.

As for the slave? Try being a man. A strong, gentle, kind, intelligent, helpful, adorable, geeky MAN. Who obeys me. Who likes getting tied up. Who doesn't need to be tied up or beaten but enjoys it when it happens. Who has a solid base of vanilla wholesomeness. Who respects himself but obeys me because he WANTS THIS.

This, isn't shown in the media. It's always some hot chick in leather or latex being ordered to fuck a guy in the ass, or to lick her pussy. Men look at this, get turned on by tits-ass-cunt, think that they want a "female dominant" and go to a local party where they try to "hook up" with a woman who will do all the nasty dirty naughty things they're ashamed of wanting, while wearing materials they find hot.

Obey me when I'm wearing a tshirt and jeans, not just when I'm wearing a leather corset. When I've been sick for a week and smell like a dumpster, not just when I'm freshly showered and coiffed and prettified. When you don't want to do what I want, but you do it anyway because I want it. Because you chose this, because you're not just a slave, but MY slave. Because you love me.

I am a Twoo Domina. Hear me rawr!