Sunday, November 6, 2011

Rewarding the submissive without sex?

So now I ask you a question: In what ways can you be rewarded when sex is not happening?

In reading Denying Thumper, it seemed that often he was rewarded for his denial and chastity by pleasing his mistress sexually. It is still gratifying for a man to see his woman enjoying herself and having an orgasm, this intensifies his desire for one himself simply because it is so hot for him to see her that way and makes chastity a bearable pain. Something worth going through, for her.

So what would reward you in a relationship if you never see her orgasm, if you never have that reward of her pleasure? If it never gets hot and steamy and amazing?


  1. That's a very good question and it requires some thinking. I agree with Thumper that when you're denied youself, being able to please your Mistress sexually can be at least as much, maybe even more satisfying for the sub.

    But if that's not a possibility, there here's how I would reward myself as a sub, if I was the mistress :

    - Let's say he usually has a few task to do each day. Housechores for example. A good reward can be to give him a day off once in a while.

    - Giving him some "free" time so he can relax and watch his favorite shows or sports. In my case, I'd see it as a reward everytime my Mistress lets the TV on for hockey...

    - While it's mostly the sub's task to makes surprises and spoil his Mistress, I think it can be a good reward to turn the table once in a while. Most subs will enjoy gifts and surprises too, especially when in comes in a unsettling fashion or when it creates a situation where the subs really has no control and cannot expect what's next...

    - Being intimate with him. Cuddling, kissing, affection, sensuality. Most guys would ask for more when it goes there, but if the sub is well trained and knows it won't go further, then it should be satisfying very for him. If this kind of intimacy is something that happens on a daily basis already because they live as a couple, then rewarding him might means to go a little further than usual in this intimacy. I'm sure even an asexual woman can enjoy a sensual massage, for example...

    - Rewarding might also be done by bringing out the toys! Doing some bdsm play with him... Tying him up, spanking him, acting playful and more dominant than usual... Trying new games and scenario. Just let things be more spicy, even if it doesn't get sexual.

    - And there's of course, the sexual rewards, which will always be effective. If he's wearing a chastity cage, giving him free time out of it can be a reward. A better reward would be to let him go to the bathroom so he can give himself an orgasm. An even bigger reward would be to let him do it in front of you, while you want. And the ultimate reward might me to give him an orgasm with teasing or handjob.

    In the end, I think that to be able to reward a sub efficiently, it's necessary to know him, his passions and what he likes very well, because each sub is different. Eventually, by pushing the right buttons and by rewarding him accordingly, it will benefit to the Mistress and increase her power over him... Knowledge is power! ;-)

    petit chiot

  2. In theory a sub should be happy if you are happy, regardless of his needs. Most of the time, a warm thank you and a touch or a kiss is all the reward I need to feel I am flying high and being the best (submissive) I can be. But we are all a little human. Or maybe that should be we are all a little animal.

    sctowell’s comments make sense to me. You can help your partner manage his needs by allowing him to masturbate. Controlling or rationing this can be fun. If you choose to participate in a any way, this can be made quite clinical or ritualised. Of course, the distance and formality and your control can itself be very sexy.

    But you may feel that even this is too sexually intimate, too much of a compromise to you r ideal. Is this the case? Are you looking for ways to reward your sub that are entirely asexual?

  3. I have at this point not been involved sexually in a D/s relationship, so my rewards have never been sexual. I feel rewarded when I sit at her feet and see her happy, or when she cuddles with me or touches me.

    She knows what I like. Every top, Domme, or Mistress knows what their bottom, sub, or slave likes and wants, and most of those likes and wants are *not* sexual!