Saturday, November 5, 2011

Is my asexuality positive choice or innate?

Started to respond to an email but realized it would be better as a post. The question was if my asexuality was a positive choice.

I read once on Fetlife, a comment where someone stated that rape makes women find more enjoyment in rough sex afterwards. This opinion was stated as fact. FACT! Someone had a hidden agenda there, to destroy women's enjoyment of sex completely all over the world. But many take this as true, when the opposite is true. Rape, real rape, makes people find less enjoyment in sex.

As for me, I started off not needing or wanting sex to be happy, and to have fun with it was a huge effort not really worth my time for such a temporary enjoyment, that I made as a concession to my vanilla partners, as an attempt to seem normal. Yes I had fun, but it was still messy and uncomfortable and I'd rather just play videogames together, or beat him. After the constant pressures to be sexual for other people but not for myself, I find sex disgusting and non-sexy. Don't get me wrong, I have had great sex. I just find it non-important. Now I have health issues where I can't have intercourse, and they still press for it! Pathetic.

I despise those who can't control themselves. If I don't respect someone for their character and morals I find them less and less attractive. That I control my desires much more easily is perhaps unfair but this control should be a goal for everyone. A big sexual drive should never be something used as an excuse to ignore and dehumanize others' needs. So you have a big drive? Go tire yourself out to the point you are capable to behave well with others.

Sexual dominance in animals is often born of the amount of sex drive they have. So then, too, people claim that I can't possibly be Dominant while being asexual. I am quiet, soft-spoken, sensual not hard, so of course, I must be submissive, no? They then try to dominate me into sex! Again a turnoff, not only ignoring my sexual needs but my emotional ones as well. Then puzzled that I could possibly turn down all that man! Pathetic, again. I am always clear about what I want and what I need, people ignore that and don't understand why I'm not happy to jump into bed with them? How stupid.

How unsexy is stupidity.

Then the despair that all men are stupid and half of women also. The always feeling very alone, but happier alone than with others because of the lack of pressure to be something I'm not.

So I was not quite asexual to start off with - capable of feeling attraction, capable of orgasm, but my drive was close to nonexistent.

Even looking at celebrities other women want, I get no response, no buzz. These are celebrities - men with looks, money, talent, power - and I don't want them. Some regular guy wants me, what does he bring to me, when I don't even want a man for looks, money, talent, and power all together?

Now so many things are a turnoff that I choose to identify as asexual, in order to avoid constant explanations of where the boundaries are, and exactly how meaningless sex is for me: Look, but don't touch. It was not a positive choice at all. I would have preferred a considerate, sexy, smart, moral, capable man with the self-control to wait for me to have that moment of actually wanting sex, months, even years. Now I don't want it at all because after being attacked and pressured over and over, my needs and desires ignored, has made it all sour. There is no sweetness in the world to fix this.

You can't unpressure. You can't unrape. You can't undominate someone who hated every second of your clumsy attempt and you can't make them undespise you for trying. So have self control in the first place and listen to what the person tells you they need.


  1. It should be mandatory for any guy wanting to be with you to read your blog from start to end, especially that post. It can't be more clear than that and anyone who will respect you and who will truly love you for who you are won't pressure you, won't impose his will, will find other ways to tire his sex drive without making it appearant or annoying for you.

    And i believe that, after reading this, any guy who isn't willing to be eternally patient and to put his sexual expectations as close as possible to zero, just doesn't deserve to be with you. Period.

    When you understand that, and when you're able to do the mental switch and to make that self-sacrifice in the long term, then I believe it must be the greatest thing in the world to be considered by you as the "considerate, sexy, smart, moral, capable man with the self-control to wait for you to have that moment of actually wanting sex, months, even years."

    petit chiot

  2. Thank you for accepting this. As you can see it's been too rare.

  3. (Wow – the comment on rape. Amazing. I understand that there can be rough sex that imitates rape, but that isn’t rape – it’s role play, its consensual. Real rape is like real violence – it means injury and deep trauma and its results can never, by definition, be positive. (Fucking idiot! Sorry to swear. I hate swearing, but really.))

    Some people like and need sex, some don’t. (I’ve only once in my life played a computer game. It seems a mad way to spend time to me, but hell. I am in a tiny minority, but I really can’t see that anything or anyone is going to change my attitude to games.) [Note to self: Enough with the parentheses.] You have good reason not to like it. And I absolutely appreciate that someone who cannot control themselves or somehow privileges their needs over yours must be completely unattractive. This is nothing to do with your D/s. It would be impossible even in a relationship of equals, should such a thing be possible. But a sub that pushes you in this way - intolerable. If your partner needs/wants sex, I guess you can help him manage that; but to foist this need on you… he should know better. My wife tells me when she wants sex. It’s pretty rare. I’d like to have sex more, but that is not my decision and it is only her I want to have sex with. That’s the way it is.

    I’m not sure we choose what we are – we are so complicated and changeable. Positive choices? We can try to make them, but so many things happen to us. Unlike sctowell, I’m not sure that it is a question of waiting or patience. Sometimes damage done cannot be repaired, but has to be lived with. I hope I’m wrong, but in the meantime, please, be yourself. You’re intelligent and gorgeous and asexual. That’s the way you are.