I'm sure that does a disservice to the many fully sexual Dominant women who also have a natural and innate need for D/s but who also need sex. However I guess in my case it's easier to see where the one leaves off and the other begins.
The ways of power and control are to have: desirability or money or knowledge that others want. Using these three concepts to gain what the Dominant one wants and desires.
I struggle with expressing Dominance because a lot of the ways to express that are about sexual Dominance. These are the scenarios I've seen:
- I get sexual pleasure, you are denied, until I feel like it.
- I tease you, and deny you, and eventually when you are really good I may decide to grace you with a fulfilment of your desires.
- I am clothed but you are naked, you yearn for what is underneath the clothes and hope to someday be found worthy to see that. (The expectation is that someday the clothes DO come off? I think? And there is wild hot sex?)
- I see MY sexual needs met while yours are unfulfilled except as I see fit, in a hot little dance of "will she let me come today? What about tomorrow?"
- I take and use you for my pleasure, not caring if you get pleasure from it also even though I'm aware that you do. You are just a dildo, a robot toy to please me.
- I don't get sexual pleasure from you, so I tease and deny you while gaining sexual pleasure from other men who please me more than you ever could. But it turns you on to see me pleased even if someone else does the pleasing, so we are both fulfilled even though the relationship may look odd from the outside.
To be sexually desirable is a source of power, but only when you use it. I think. Denial in the short term increases power but in the long term can cause unstable frustrations that can turn against the Dominant.
If you have money, you can use that to gain power over other people by manipulation of their desires for good things, or even for necessary things. But in a relationship dynamic of Domination, one partner having and possibly withholding resources could very easily be abused. Also, if I were to demand that a man give me all his money so that I have that power over him also, it brings up the archetype of the Greedy FinDomme - and his friends and family are more likely to be concerned about my fingers in his wallet than about my beating him!
If you have knowledge, you can use that to impress or influence, or to outright control a situation. Here, the tools of pain count as a way to achieve control, because of the knowledge of how to use the tools to achieve states of being in the submissive.
So here I am, desirable but not desiring, sensual rather than sadistic, and unwilling to take the step of demanding money because that's a whole HUGE can of worms I don't even want to deal with. Maybe I should deal with it instead of being scared of social backlash.
So what can I do in these three main concepts to gain the upper hand of power exchange in a relationship?
Desirability and Denial - this type of play seems to require occasional release for the man. His longing to actually have sex with me will be intensified by chastity. I could allow him to relieve his needs occasionally by masturbation, perhaps a specific vagina-like toy. Plus, that he would not be pleasing me sexually would mean he has less of an intimate surrender to MY pleasure than in a relationship with a sexual Dominant. Here, the relationship will be seen as less valid than a sexual one however. My fear in a teasing, chastity relationship would be that he couldn't be trusted to not push to have sex with me, especially if I'm doing everything I can to drive him wild. I don't even like kissing, how weird is that? Where is the line for control, when men have crossed that line so many times? Would it be harder or easier in chastity, if I could lock away the penis as a punishment if he tried to push me at all? Can I as an asexual being, have a relationship with a sexual being and have my partner happy in my inactivity? Michael Taylor said something on Good Men Project which gives me hope that's possible:
True love is a function of the heart and mind and has absolutely nothing to do with your penis. If you really want to make love, leave your penis in your pants and learn to take out your heart and share it with your mate.
Monetary Control - this would immensely help me to achieve the dynamic I'm looking for. The man with a good job coming home, handing over his paycheck and stripping down to an apron to make us both dinner, then cleaning up and bringing me a hot cup of chocolate as I watch my favorite show. The man as a barrier for me keeping Patriarchy's ugliness out of my home. However, this is an area of self-identity almost MORE touchy than sex. Plus well, it seems greedy doesn't it? I'm not doing anything to deserve that, or am I? He would not have choice of what to buy, what to wear, because I would be doing the buying and choosing, with his money. I find this hot, however the stigma against Financial Domination (and the language used on the sites when I looked it up) just isn't the dynamic I'm looking for. How do I get this dynamic without stumbling on the money pigs and humiliation fetish that I'm just not into? My advantage here is that yes I do really enjoy dressing up and buying shoes, all those typical Plastic Fetish Barbie activities. So his family might understand that he enjoys me looking pretty and enjoys spending money on me. Do they need to know that his cheque goes into MY account and he has only access to a small amount for lunches and errands? Perhaps the right submissive would be worth that kind of trouble.
Knowledge is Power - here, the willingness to inflict pain helps place the submissive more easily into subspace. When they endure pain for you, it makes you more valuable because they have already sacrificed comfort and achieved a state of bliss through the pain they suffered for you. I'm fairly confident that a more sensual journey can be equally intense, however that is playtime of a scene, not the daily intense intimacy of a quickie before bed (but he can't have an orgasm). The best use for knowledge is daily training, things to drop the man quickly into a peaceful, relaxed-yet-excited, submissive mindset. This is possible, but again more difficult without the tools of pain, sex or monetary control.
Logistics. Are. A. Bitch.
Then again, none of this is worth even trying if the man doesn't engage my respect and admiration, and interest in his mind.
I'm too used to being alone. Too much reliance on keeping myself entertained in my own company. I want to be loved, but do I even have love to give? Would I be able to take the time to maintain intimacy on a daily basis with one who serves me well? Even one I found interesting initially?
Would serving me be too boring and vanilla without the "standard" tools of the Dominatrix, pain and sex?