Saturday, September 10, 2011

Asexuality and Sex-Positivity

Recently I was challenged by @kittystryker on my attitude towards "hookers with a whip" displayed in my first blog post:
In the scene, a curious dichotomy of opinion on Pro-Dommes arises because of this fact. Some hate them for catering to men, and say they're nothing more than whores with whips. Some of them are nothing more than whores with whips, and do escort services as well.
 My prejudice is showing and I have to apologize to sex workers. Because what I said was patronizing and stupid. Her reply points that out beautifully:
[Y]ou can be a pro Domme who has sex with clients and be a Domme off work. We exist, too
If there's nothing wrong with sex work, which I can understand being a valid career choice for some women (and men) if they really enjoy sex and which would be safer if legislation supported it as legitimate work, then there can be nothing wrong with offering Domination and sex together.

That it's not my thing doesn't give me the right to look down on it.

That my reaction is born of frustration with people wanting to have sex with me when I don't want or need sex at all to feel fulfilled as a human being, still doesn't excuse it.

But how can I be sex-positive when sex hasn't been positive for me?

I have felt the ache of desire once or twice in my life, so I can vaguely understand how annoying it is when the object of desire is unavailable or unattainable. I seem to inspire it in others, to the point they go crazy and stupid when I reject them. It's not difficult to realize that's their problem, but when they make it my problem by threatening me, or by pursuing me because I'm "hard to get" and pretending to be what I'm looking for it becomes more unavoidable, and something I resent.

I love to look beautiful, but I'm afraid to be beautiful because then I'm crushed under an overwhelming wave of other people's needs, without any need inside me to match it.

Like when I listen to loud music and I yell along, not out of enjoyment, but to equalize the pressure of inner and outer sound, because it helps somehow to meet the wave of outer force with an inner wave of force. With sex, I have no inner wave of force to summon up to make it bearable.

How do I attract a sub to match me if I don't present as attractive, but when I present as attractive I attract men who want a kinky girlfriend-next-door? Ignore who I am and what I want because I'm beautiful enough that they feel that aching need for me to the point of stupidity. It's flattering. I'm sure I'll miss it when I'm older in a selfish, egotistical way.

My reaction has been to use them for what I can. Because eventually they'll realize that I'm not what they wanted anyway. They were fooled by the beauty and hoped that by getting close to me they would eventually have the chance to have sex. So then I use them and I'm a user, because it wasn't what either of us wanted but they insisted on being close to me, so I may as well, right? Until the scales come off their eyes and they see the person and realize that hey, I was right when I said we don't suit.

I see people that others want to have sex with, and although they might be beautiful, attractive, desirable, I have as much desire to fuck them as I have to fuck a beautiful sunrise. It's beautiful, it's there, I just don't want to fuck it. I can see that it's beautiful and desirable, and I prefer looking at beautiful and desirable (don't get me wrong, teddy-bear or cute is great too) it's just as meaningless in a sexual way as a natural object.

Plus, I'd rather have a small orgasm by listening to Opera than a large one by bumping uglies. After orgasm by listening to music I feel uplifted and not sticky, and I still feel uplifted the next day instead of uncomfortable with weird sensations in my body.

If I was the earth and you were the sky, and together we make the world, just by being near one another...

Once, I saw the most beautiful, gorgeous man ever. I was almost wet... then he opened his mouth and had the observable IQ of a wet noodle. Instantly unattracted as he became almost a featureless cardboard cutout of a man, not even as beautiful as I thought him initially. Reinforcing again that other things are just so much more important to me than sex or appearance.

Another time, a brief moment seeing the most HOT, SEXY hunk of a man I've ever seen... my mouth watering and my panties getting wet... it was a complete wonder to me that I felt something, anything at all. Like suddenly there's colour in the world. But his friends were misogynistic creepers so I didn't even give him a chance. I would have had to let them into my space if I let him into my space. So no. No regrets. I've seen colours now, and other things are still more important.

Those two moments made me think briefly that maybe I wasn't asexual. But then I realized this is how most people feel looking at reasonably attractive people. Maybe I'm lucky having felt that way at all, and being able to relate to normal people's needs that much more than someone who's never even felt attraction.

When I look at someone, I can see logically that they are attractive or not, but it doesn't have emotion attached to it, or any drive to leap on them. Occasionally I'll look at a picture of a man tied up, or naked with a cute butt, and I'll want to slap or flog that. It's still not sexual, even when it's a rush or a thrill. It doesn't get me wet it just makes me really happy.

So how to be sex-positive? All I can do is try to understand, and try to fight for safety and informed choice to be available to everyone. Even for things I could never be into, like sex itself.

1 comment:

  1. "So how to be sex-positive?"

    That's a tough one. I wish I had some useful advice, but all I can say is I understand why someone who feels pressured by sexual (as opposed to asexual) people would have trouble with being sex-positive.