Sunday, September 11, 2011

Disrespecting the Submissive Male

As tomio points out in the beautiful comments on my first post, here I am perpetuating the stereotype of the weak submissive man.

So why is that?

I'm a Dominant woman and I love submissive males. They complete who I am. Right? But here I am, being disrespectful, even as I become sick at the fantasy of total disrespect. (Which I can sort of appreciate as a performance piece but even then... I kind of want to puke.)

Attitudes are such insidious things, aren't they. You can pick one up at a party like an unwelcome virus, go home, and never even realize it's not yours.

Part of this is that I just don't understand how anyone could submit and enjoy it, even as I enjoy that they enjoy it. I'm reassured that I'm not an abusive freak (like the people who tried to do things to me without my consent or awareness of what they were doing) by their enjoyment of it. It comforts me even as it gives me a rush. I got away with something that should have been bad but instead was amazing, and it's all because of a submissive man allowing me to be that controlling, beating, domineering bitch that I would never be able to be in polite company. I'm the weak one here, the wuss, the control freak because somehow deep down I'm insecure, maybe? But you turn your power over to me and trust me with it and I get to trust that you're strong enough I won't break you, and trust myself that I will be responsible with that power even as it goes to my head.

So even as I think you're amazing, strong, incredible... I can't fathom how you enjoy it. It's completely ALIEN.

Again, that I've never NEEDED any of this, rears up and I can't understand how people might NEED it, need that release and that escape and that subspace, to the point they reach for it despite other commitments that may make reaching for it dangerous. In a way I need it, but I've often been more okay with myself out of a relationship than in one, so needing a particular type of relationship that's tough to find the right match for is bearable. If I don't get it, I'm alone. So? I've always been alone, even in relationships.

This one's tough. I can't understand, therefore it's too easy to think of someone as weak for needing it, for taking risks that might kill their relationships among family or prevent access to their children unless they hide it from the world while struggling with who they are. When they're not weak, they're being fully honest to who they are, and trying to sort it out as best they can, which is all any of us can do.


  1. Thanks for this. I truly appreciate the courage and honesty you bring to the topic.

    It is impossible to truly know what the other side experiences, I believe (even for switches, but they probably come the closest). This is especially true in a relationship style that is so out of synch with the larger culture in which we are all raised and exist. We are taught that it is weakness to give someone control, to let them inflict pain upon us, dominate us.

    It also needs to be said that the behavior of many malesubs feeds into the negative stereotypes. However, I think those are, mostly, as much a victim of the stereotypes as they are a carrier of them.

  2. I love the explorations you're letting yourself take on this journey!