As a woman, who identifies as dominant in the DS sense - that I prefer to be in charge in relationships, that I wish for mastery of self and mastery of others, I've been very frustrated in my experience of the bdsm community.
Aside from a few rare events solely orchestrated by women FOR women, the male-centric worldview keeps ticking along without any challenge.
Even a quick glance at the porn available for female domination reveals very little actual female domination. It's all about the hot plastic staged pro-domme, more interested in the camera, and much more interested in the money than anything else, being ordered around by the so-called submissive in the scene. It's still all about what the man wants, and a "true" domme is one who delivers the pain and sex that the man desires, in exchange for his money. All the pictures of this, are made for male bottoms, but labelled as female domination - NOT as female topping!
In the scene, a curious dichotomy of opinion on Pro-Dommes arises because of this fact. Some hate them for catering to men, and say they're nothing more than whores with whips. Some of them are nothing more than whores with whips, and do escort services as well. Others provide a service of pain that these men crave, but are too craven to ask their girlfriends or wives to provide and have a high level of professional quality in their work. (EDIT - Please read comment below by Galiana Chance about other aspects of Pro-Domination, expressed MUCH better than I could say!)
But there's another dichotomy around Lifestyle Dominants. Rarely do you see male so-called dominants telling another male dominant that all they really need is a true male dom to reveal their submissive side for them. Conventionally (and sometimes unconventially) attractive females, of any orientation, are constantly harrassed in local community events, until they prove they deserve their place.
Me? I'm young, beautiful, and completely asexual. I don't want or need sex to feel fulfilled. I've rarely ever felt sexual attraction to anyone. Because of that, I feel completely marginalized in the bdsm community. As a female dominant, I'm expected to want to have sex with my submissive(s). If I take his gifts and his money, I'm an evil financial domme and, for not providing sex, I'm an evil user not a "true" domme, and I should be providing a service for the money! If I had sex, I would be nothing more than a glorified prostitute, which is even more of a turn-off. Showing up at an event, I get swarmed by men, many of whom attempt to pinch my butt, until it gets out that I'm dominant. Because, it's totally acceptable to pinch a strange woman's butt at a party! I mean, wtf?
My first introduction to bdsm was in high school. The school's token "goth" dressed in black and led her boyfriend around on a leash. They both seemed to really enjoy shocking the normals. I didn't care.
After that, repeated attempts by men to be abusive to me, or to get me to dress up in leather and whip them for their pleasure, just put me off men more and more. Women mean nothing to me sexually, so now I'm left unattracted to either sex. It wasn't until I started researching bdsm more seriously after exiting a completely abusive relationship where the man had pretended to be sweet, kind, caring, and submissive to me - until I moved in - that I realized what I'd been missing my entire life.
I am a dominant woman. Despite the attempts of people around me to "break" me and make me something other than what I am, they can't break my fantasies. I crave being in control, in charge, worshiped and adored. Although I like to give pain, it's not important to me. Nothing is important to me but knowing that my slave is obedient and intelligent in his service to me. I want to know, that my life and my happiness, is more important to him, than his life and his happiness. It has nothing to do with hot kinky sex, just pure DS. A vanilla life, with kids, where I happen to simply be in charge, and where the man works his ass off to please me. Buck stops here. I come first, always, as a matter of course, which gives me the freedom to then consider his needs and his interests.
As for the slave? Try being a man. A strong, gentle, kind, intelligent, helpful, adorable, geeky MAN. Who obeys me. Who likes getting tied up. Who doesn't need to be tied up or beaten but enjoys it when it happens. Who has a solid base of vanilla wholesomeness. Who respects himself but obeys me because he WANTS THIS.
This, isn't shown in the media. It's always some hot chick in leather or latex being ordered to fuck a guy in the ass, or to lick her pussy. Men look at this, get turned on by tits-ass-cunt, think that they want a "female dominant" and go to a local party where they try to "hook up" with a woman who will do all the nasty dirty naughty things they're ashamed of wanting, while wearing materials they find hot.
Obey me when I'm wearing a tshirt and jeans, not just when I'm wearing a leather corset. When I've been sick for a week and smell like a dumpster, not just when I'm freshly showered and coiffed and prettified. When you don't want to do what I want, but you do it anyway because I want it. Because you chose this, because you're not just a slave, but MY slave. Because you love me.
I am a Twoo Domina. Hear me rawr!
It seems to me that the community you've found to be a part of is screwed up. As I attempt to become a peer figure in my local community I see a lot of similar issues that you describe here. A LOT of the BDSM scene is sexualized and what little isn't seems to be focused around playing more than anything else. It is definitely a hard thing to escape.
ReplyDeleteAnd the reason, in my opinion, is quite simple. More d-men + s-women couples attend groups and make their presence felt within the community. I don't think this is because they are the majority but because a lot of the d-women + s-men couples just don't attend local level events. Unfortunately it's lead to a horrible catch-22: d-women + s-men don't attend, community targets their d-men + s-women audience, d-woman + s-men don't feel welcome and thus don't attend.
I am trying to become a leadership figure in the local community myself. I'm a D/s or M/s orientated person: having an M/s dynamic is more important than play and sex to me. Most people, however, aren't like that and it's up to people like us to open up some minds and get used to our presence and behave appropriately.
Part of your post reads like you are angry at porn for being sexualized. I'm not sure if that was your intention but it really doesn't stand up. As for the women being ordered around all the time I think you are finding the wrong porn. I've seen porn (Chanta's Bitches comes to mind) that is all about the woman on top doing what she wants. Granted the bottoms are also female; it's unfortunate that what you're looking for is in the minority but you may be able to find some that caters to your tastes. I don't doubt it's out there I just think it's harder to find.
Maybe it's time for the marginalized BDSMers out there to start making their own communities, making a place where they can feel happy and safe and all the good stuff community brings.
Anyway, I hope you do find a community you can feel safe in. Just know that we aren't all assholes and womanizers and, probably shallow coming from a guy but: you aren't alone in your struggles :)
I love it that you are comfortable proclaiming what you want and need! I can imagine many many ways that the BDSM scene under-serves asexuals, and underserves non-leather lifestyle female dominants. Having a glimpse into both is informative, thank you!
ReplyDeleteI do take exception to your paragraph given the limited possibilities you give for Pro-Dommes ("nothing more than whores with whips" or those who provide service to men).
You fail to recognize other possibilities:
(a) dominant women (who love dominating like you do) who go pro because they are begged to do so by men with unmet needs in their BDSM communities (often replacing other part- or full-time jobs)
(b) dominant women (who love dominating like you do) who go pro because they want to do what they love most professionally
(c) women who identify as sexually submissive who go pro and get begged to dominate for pay, discover the concept of "service top" and the pleasure of providing domination services to submissive men, and end up accidentally conditioning themselves to get turned on by dominating (like me)
In all three cases, the women *LOVE* dominating. I'm pro. I love topping. I love the way men feel and sound and respond and laugh and cry and beg when they're submitting.
I hope your local BDSM scene, and the BDSM scene at large, makes room for you, but also, please consider making room for us: whores with whips can love their men as people, and find intense pleasure in their jobs, as human beings with dominant desires who are fulfilled that way.
@KnyghtMare
ReplyDeleteI'm angry at the porn for being miscategorized. Because when THAT is "femdom" then I say I'm a female dominant, I get approached by male bottoms who want to order me to fuck them with a strapon while wearing leather or latex. Or who come clean my house hoping I'll beat them as their reward. Not exactly what I'm looking for, and I'm not exactly what they're looking for either. I want a man cleaning my house because me having a clean house is his reward. My smile is his reward. I don't know if that exists.
If someone wants to bottom for kink/kinky sex, then self-define as bottom not as submissive or slave. Prevalence of this type of porn makes it so bottoms are self-identifying as submissives and then nobody's happy in their search for something real.
I'd welcome any and all information on where to find the kind of porn that would turn me on if only intellectually - in that gasp of recognition that YES this is what I want! Not the best at the internet, me. *Smiles*
Agreed that often "community" events cater more to one side of the community than the other. Femdom-specific events were much more satisfying to attend than general events just because I could relax and know I wouldn't have to defend my butt from creepers, or outstare the "generous" offers from male doms to "tame" me. Maybe the segregation of F/m,s and M/f M/m that's already happening just means we need our own spaces. At the same time, educational events need to be more inclusive and safe for women and submissives (and also trans/othersexed it seems from what I've been reading) to attend.
@Galiana
VERY good points on Pro-Dom, thank you so much for pointing that out. I should clarify in my post. The dichotomous attitude was often from other Lifestylers I met in the scene. It was really confusing. "You're not really Dominant if you're just a hooker with a whip but if you don't have sex with your sub you're not Dominant either. And if he gives you money you should give him something for it, at least the hookers are honest." Um. What?
I would actually love to learn more about going Pro, if only to learn better techniques for beating and tying - and get paid for it! Could be fun.
@Twoo Domina if the people who approach you are so influenced by the porn they watch then they themselves have the problem and not the porn. Educated people should always face reality when entering such a situation and realize where fantasy and reality separate. Besides which: a guy who wants to order a woman to fuck him in the ass isn't a sub - that's a bottoming dom.
ReplyDeleteAs for the men trying to break you, tame you, etc. They are assholes. Clear as day. They aren't representative of what a man (or a dom) should be and, really, if they are that bad maybe you should leave that particular community circle and find one more hospitable or if they are a small group of people within the group take up the issue with any leadership people within the group.
@Twoo: Like any other one-on-one service provider (think therapist, masseuse, life coach, maker of handmade crafts), the world of Pro Dommes is hugely diverse. You can obviously learn on the job, as with any other profession, but there are fantastic education resources for all types of play (do you know http://www.kinkacademy.com ?)
ReplyDeleteGoing in-the-flesh Pro is not different than going pro as a life coach or a jewelry maker: it takes advertising, building your message (you're off to a good start here), managing your customer base, ensuring your deliverables are on-time, protecting your reputation, networking... in other words, it's a business. If you casually go Pro, you'll end up with very few clients, collected over a long period of time, and many take that approach and love it. But if you seriously go Pro, it takes a while to build your business, and the business side can eat people up (just like with any other highly personal service).
Going Pro over the phone is way easier: set up a profile on an indie phone-for-pay site, but I *seriously doubt* that would get you what you're looking for. People often call for-pay lines without carefully reading selection criteria, so your ability to filter is vastly reduced.
I could go and on and on, but I'm happy to open the discussion privately, or continue it here, if you have other questions.
Fantastic post. Really resonates with my own personal experience and to some degree my professional. I approach professional BDSM as essentially service topping but I refuse to do it in my personal life because I'm not a goddamn fetish fuck machine.
ReplyDelete@Galiana
ReplyDeleteThank you! I did consider phone for easier safety protocols however in-person would be more satisfying to me I think.
@T. Sunshine Love
I LOVE: "I'm not a goddamn fetish fuck machine" as that totally resonates. It was tough enough sorting out that I didn't need or want sex, but when men tried to make me be their personal fetish goddess on top of that it was just too much. Put me off researching bdsm for several years.
"Others provide a service of pain that these men crave, but are too craven to ask their girlfriends or wives to provide..."
ReplyDeleteYou realize that you are now feeding the same stereotype that you complain about?
If men are "craven" then they are cowardly, contemptible creatures who deserve to be spit upon. The reality is that many men actually do know that to expose their submissive desires to their wives would result in the end of their marriage. That means, in some places, that they could end up forcibly estranged from their children (not to mention their birth family), they could lose their career, they could be socially ostracized...craven? Hardly.
It may be that you have no reason to keep closeted about your sexuality. But understand that is a luxury that not everyone shares. No one lives in a closet because it's fun, and they damn sure don't build the closet on their own.
(I'm cutting this into several parts because Blogger won't let me make one huge comment.)
ReplyDelete@Knyghtmare: "And the reason, in my opinion, is quite simple. More d-men + s-women couples attend groups and make their presence felt within the community. I don't think this is because they are the majority but because a lot of the d-women + s-men couples just don't attend local level events. Unfortunately it's lead to a horrible catch-22: d-women + s-men don't attend, community targets their d-men + s-women audience, d-woman + s-men don't feel welcome and thus don't attend."
If it was true that Femdom and malesub individuals were held in the same esteem by the BDSM community and larger culture, this might be an adequate description of what happens. The problem is that you are unaware of the privileged position you hold.
I've had numerous malesubs tell me that people have physically moved away from them at munches after they self-identified. That isn't because they felt uncomfortable being malesub...it's because the community simply didn't know how to deal with them. Whatever group you are trying to work into leadership of already exists. If there aren't many (or any) Femdom and malesub participants, I can guarantee you it is because, without intending to do so, the group has made it unwelcoming for those individuals to attend. So the question is - how does your group respond to that reality? Do you shrug and say, "Well, they aren't showing up, so it isn't our problem?" Do you say, "I guess they can find another place where they feel comfortable?" Or do you say, "We aren't living up to our credo of being accepting of others. Let's talk to these individuals and ask what they need from us?"
@Knyghtmare: "As for the women being ordered around all the time I think you are finding the wrong porn. I've seen porn (Chanta's Bitches comes to mind) that is all about the woman on top doing what she wants."
ReplyDeleteAgain, you aren't seeing your own privileged position with regard to porn. Try and understand "male gaze" and also work into your equation that the majority of porn - including Femdom porn - is made by men and for men. Why would a heterosexual woman be interested in seeing a woman dominating another? You might as well suggest to a random guy, "Hey, gay porn has some GREAT ass play!"
"Maybe it's time for the marginalized BDSMers out there to start making their own communities, making a place where they can feel happy and safe and all the good stuff community brings."
I could write ten thousand words in response to this alone, but I'll try to keep it pithy.
Building community requires a LOT of resources. It requires time. It requires space. And it requires enough monetary assets to carry the group along until it becomes self-sustaining. It doesn't just "happen."
To some extent, the Internet allows some virtual communities to exist (in fact, I think there is a root or two of community growing in this virtual area lately). However, virtual communities are not the same as offline communities. If, for example, maymay is feeling burnt out and needs some human contact...he's out of luck because I'm on the other side of the continent.
Then there is also the definition of "community" to deal with. Too often, when BDSM folks hang out, "community" is used synonymously as "the Scene" - which can also be referred to as "the Seen" (meaning that the purpose is to BE SEEN). But community is MUCH more than having a few semi-public events, or even a few play parties where people can flaunt their kinks. Community is a group of people who connect on a semi-intimate level. It's a bunch of families getting together for a day at the beach or the park. It's having half a dozen phone numbers of peers who will take your call because they care about YOU...not because they are a leader of a group, but because the group doesn't NEED leaders. It just needs caring and compassionate people who are willing to open up and be real.
@Knyghtmare:"if the people who approach you are so influenced by the porn they watch then they themselves have the problem and not the porn. Educated people should always face reality when entering such a situation and realize where fantasy and reality separate."
ReplyDeletePeople do not exist in a vacuum. Each of us are taught gender roles from the moment we pop out of our mothers. It isn't easy for a man to shake off all the cultural baggage and admit openly that he's submissive. It's even more difficult to truly give up control when every part of our culture continues to bombard him with the message that he should be in control.
I learned a while ago not to try and determine what people actually are. You can only see the behavior they exhibit. You aren't privy to the internal discussions and agonizing that take place for that behavior to be displayed. Maybe they aren't a "bottoming dom" so much as they are just "unsure of how to display adequate submissiveness and masculinity simultaneously."
"As for the men trying to break you, tame you, etc. They are assholes. Clear as day. They aren't representative of what a man (or a dom) should be and, really, if they are that bad maybe you should leave that particular community circle and find one more hospitable or if they are a small group of people within the group take up the issue with any leadership people within the group."
The truth is that many people confuse assholishness for dominance. It's a brush that gets aimed at the whole of BDSM by mainstream society.
But the idea that a person can just pack up and move...it reflects a poor understanding of the problem. It isn't THIS group or THAT group...it's the cultural underpinnings of BDSM society, which are a reflection of the larger society in which we live. The problem is the rejection of Femdom and malesub...and if I am the problem, then I can't possibly run far enough to get away from myself.
The idea that leadership, in any real sense, can change things is dubious. There has been some recent chatter online about BDSM and rape - and from what I can tell, damn near everyone who claims to be a "leader" is fighting like hell to slut-shame, victim-blame, and excuse the hell out of the rapist. And those who have stood up and fought for truth and justice have had those same guns turned against them.
Plus, in many areas, there ISN'T another group. From the little town (<500 people) where I grew up, I'd have to drive close to a hundred miles to get to ANY group. Even in larger areas, many of the groups will have overlapping memberships. So it isn't just a question of, "Move along until you find your place."
I want to say, as I'm ending this, that I applaud the fact that you are trying to become a leader. I strongly urge you to make that leadership mean something. Don't assume your group is healthy and welcoming just because you are getting no complaints. Challenge the status quo. And learn what life is like from the other side (which it seems you are attempting to do).
@Tomio
ReplyDelete"The reality is that many men actually do know that to expose their submissive desires to their wives would result in the end of their marriage. That means, in some places, that they could end up forcibly estranged from their children (not to mention their birth family), they could lose their career, they could be socially ostracized...craven? Hardly."
I think putting your family's well-being ahead of your own is the opposite of craven. Going to a pro-dom is often the least bad option for a submissive man in a committed relationship. Also, seeing a pro-dom doesn't necessarily mean said submissive man was too scared to admit his desires to his girlfriend/wife, just that she couldn't meet his needs. From what I've heard from many submissive men, their partner's sincere enjoyment of kink is what really satisfies them, and no-one, no matter how good, giving, and game can fake sincere enjoyment of a kink that doesn't appeal to them.
"Again, you aren't seeing your own privileged position with regard to porn. Try and understand "male gaze" and also work into your equation that the majority of porn - including Femdom porn - ****is made by men and for men.****" (emphasis mine)
That is precisely why I hate almost all 'femdom' porn. It's in no way intended to appeal to me, it's made solely for submissive men. Porn made for me would have a real-life female dom/male sub couple playing much the way they would if there were no cameras involved. The woman would not be wearing ridiculous heels and an uncomfortable looking outfit and the man would not be wearing a hood. And by god he would actually be cute. If porn like that actually exists, I will post a video of me doing my supremely dorky happy dance on my blog.
Also, I have my doubts that any 'femdom' porn is even made by submissive men. I honestly think the whole clusterfuck makes more sense if you assume that it's a half-assed attempt by non-kinky or dominant men to guess what submissive men might buy.
@tomio
ReplyDeleteMany AMAZINGLY well-thought out points. I salute you.
@notjustbitchy
True, I hadn't considered the larger picture of why a man might have greater reason to hide who he is.
As for the femdom porn issue, what makes men cute is often their responsiveness and love of their Dom, not just the body type. Plus, I like to dress up sometimes so I don't mind the outfits.
Maybe we need to stop complaining about Femdom porn and leave that to the commercial arena. Concentrate on an amateur type of malesub porn that shows male subs enjoying what they do and what is done to them.