- Words
These are nice but not that important. If any of the others are missing I will stop belief in the pretty words and trust you less and less. - Time
Again this is not that important to me. Some time together is necessary but I often prefer doing activities together, than being social. My time alone with myself to recharge who I am is more important to me, and intruding on that time is an act of aggression. I even like to sleep alone. Same room? Maybe, if you don't snore, and if you've been good, and if I don't need time alone. - Gifts
Maybe a little shallow but this does mean to me that you care enough to put your money where your mouth is. If you call me beautiful, then buy me beautiful things - and kinky things to hit you with. If you say you love me, then buy things to support my career or my charitable goals, or my non-kink playtime. - Service
So very important. I do not feel loved when the dishes are not done, the beds messy, the floor disgusting. Gifts do not make up for lack of service! - Touch
More important than touch is when to not touch. Yes, I love cuddling, and I looooooove having my feet massaged and spoiled. But when I need to be alone, I need to be ALONE.
I don't know. My distrust of words has made it difficult for me to say "you are beautiful and I'm grateful you're in my life" in the past. It's also very difficult for me to include another being in my world, because I have been so very alone I'm used to it now. Gifts? How could I give a gift to a slave. Would putting a slave to service count for him as my service to him? Touch is again, difficult to give.
I look at this and I feel ashamed, that I would be taking more than giving. Who would give himself for so little back? Are there men who desire this kind of constant giving, who feel more fulfilled by giving than by receiving? Who need to be needed, so much, that the giving would be enough?
My wife and I read the book earlier this year and it made a big impression on both of us to discover we hadn't really known what was perceived as love by the other even after many years of marriage. I discovered that time and service meant much more to her than gifts. She discovered touch dwarfed everything else when it came to my perception of love. One result of this is an increase of physical shows of affection for me - especially teases; in return I give her 2-hour "love coupons" which she uses whenever she wants some time to go off on her own or wants me to cover a particular task that she ususally does. It has worked wonderfully for both of us.
ReplyDeletekelmag
www.secretchastityhusband.blogspot.com
"Who would give himself for so little back? Are there men who desire this kind of constant giving, who feel more fulfilled by giving than by receiving? Who need to be needed, so much, that the giving would be enough?"
ReplyDeleteQuick answer : Yes, absolutely.
Long answer : What you describe is exactly what a true sub is. A true sub is someone accomplished. Someone who's already fulfilled in his social, professional, material and intellectual life. He doesn't "need" to receive anything. What he lacks is someone to share with, someone to give back some of what he already has. Someone who will truly appreciate what he has to offer. Someone who's happiness and well being he can contribute to. A true sub would rather give than receive, without a doubt.
You don't have to be ashamed of being like that. D/s relationships work because they are complementary : You need to receive and he needs to give.
Also, i think it's important to understand that in the sub's perspective, you are a true Goddess.
The sole fact that he can live next to you and get love from you would be gold for him. This alone is his true reward. You don't have to feel guilty about not giving more. You are already giving yourself, in some way. It's more than he can ever wish.
My 2 cents ;-)
"This is my story, and also yours." Well, it's certainly not mine. And i doubt it is urs. Better come up with at least one of ur secrets now.
ReplyDeleteEver enslaved a person? Ever owned a human being? It doesn't look that way. Why? Here's one. Slavery has nothing to do with giving or receiving. Oh u want twoo? Ok. Owning a person has nothing to do with doing household chores and running errands.
In the meantime ponder this: U can be alone and completely by urself, light years away from whatever, untouched, and yet, taking the idea of the bending universe to its extreme, be one with whatever.
I think the world would be a pretty sad place if there was only one way to do things and if there was only one kind of D/s mold that everybody should fit in. I think Twoo Domina knows what She wants pretty well and it's totally legitimate for her to be looking for a kind of relationship that fits her specific needs and desires best. Also, some people would rather be alone (me included) than spending their life in a meaningless relationship where they can't feel comfortable and assume who they REALLY are. And that's totally honourable.
ReplyDeleteThat's great, really, and also a bit cliché. But tell me Sctowell, who r u REALLY?
ReplyDeleteI'd say an authentic, sincere submissive male who really identifies with Twoo Domina's writings and with Her approach on D/s relationships. And hopefully that's not too cliché. ;)
ReplyDeleteThe first part of ur answer is as cliché as it can get, and can be found all over the virtual place. It tells me nothing about who u REALLY r. The second part, where u specifically mention the owner of this blog, can't be cliché as per definition.
ReplyDelete"Gifts? How could I give a gift to a slave?"
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't necessarily have to be a 'nice' gift :) You could give a slave a toy he's a little scared of (maybe a cane if he hates stingy sensations), or a tool to serve you with (kneepads to use when scrubbing the floor).
"Would putting a slave to service count for him as my service to him?"
Absolutely! My understanding (which mostly comes from reading forum posts and therefore might be totally wrong), is that submissive men are often desperate to find someone who will just let them serve her.
"I look at this and I feel ashamed, that I would be taking more than giving."
I sometimes feel the same way in my relationship with my boyfriend. He does practically all the cooking, the vast majority of the cleaning, and generally waits on me. I've mentioned that I think I'm getting the better deal, but he seems totally happy devoting his life to looking after me. Eventually I just decided that if he wants to be freakishly, relentlessly nice to me all the time, he's allowed :)
@sctowell - I'm confused by these two statements of yours:
"What you describe is exactly what a true sub is." and
"I think the world would be a pretty sad place if there was only one way to do things and if there was only one kind of D/s mold that everybody should fit in."
Aren't you contradicting yourself there? I'm sure you didn't mean to be offensive, but it sounds to me like you're saying that a 'true' submissive has no needs other than the need to serve a dominant person. I'm a bit offended on behalf of a friend of mine who had to break up with his mistress/girlfriend because they had incompatible needs around communication and personal space. That friend is absolutely not a failure as a submissive because he's a human being who has needs.
That bit of ranting aside, I do think you're completely right with this bit:
"You don't have to be ashamed of being like that. D/s relationships work because they are complementary : You need to receive and he needs to give."
Someone who feels driven to serve would be miserable in a strictly equitable relationship where all the chores are divided up evenly. There's also plenty of work be done on the dominant person's part in terms of say, putting together a chore schedule, inspecting the work that's done, teaching the submissive person how to do things exactly the way you like them, etc, etc.
@notjustbitchy
ReplyDeleteThank you for pointing out this apparent contradiction. But i don't think there is one because I don't think there's only one kind of "true" submissive. By "true" submissive, i just mean one who is sincere, but also one who fits this description from Twoo Domina :
"Who would give himself for so little back? Are there men who desire this kind of constant giving, who feel more fulfilled by giving than by receiving? Who need to be needed, so much, that the giving would be enough?"
I totally agree that subs also have needs. But it's usually not the same needs than Dominants. For example, I don't think a good sub should "need" to receive gifts. A sub often needs recognition. He needs to feel appreciated. Sometimes he may need attention. That's different for everybody. But what may be common for every sub is that they need to "give". To give love, to give time, to give efforts, to give their trust, to give themselves, soul and body, etc.
Of course it's not just about giving and receiving, but i also disagree with Ayesha that it's not about giving/receiving at all. So i'm sure your friend is a wonderful sub. And I hope for him that he finds a Mistress to be complementary with in term of needs. ;-)
That said, even if I'm the one who used the words "true submissive", i don't really like them because everybody's different, every relationship's different, and I don't feel qualified enough to say who's a "true" one and who's a "false" one.
---------------
@Ayesha
I'm sorry if that was cliché. I'd like to give You an original description about who i really am, but that could be long and i'm not sure that Twoo Domina's blog is the right place to do that.
@Ayesha - Well, maybe not your story. You sound like you've always known who you are and what you want, never had to do any self-discovery about it or learn how to make it happen in the real world. You could make this blog more your story by commenting as you're doing or by emailing me about your experiences as a Dominant woman if you'd like any particular viewpoint to be featured. The blog is an exploration of what female Dominance is, by me, so obviously it's going to have my stamp on it.
ReplyDeleteNo, I've never owned a slave. That my fantasy is to be the Dominant one in a relationship has unfortunately no bearing on my reality. Reality has so far looked like a bunch of people, mostly arrogant men, telling me that what I want and need doesn't matter and I should shut up and be a personless hole for men like a good girl. I'd love them to realize they're as annoying as the women who seem to think all men should kneel to them.
I continue to refuse to play by rules other than my own, and I hope one day that my reality can be more something approaching some of my fantasies. I have had relationships where the man was more submissive but at the time I had no idea this stuff existed or how to approach using his submissiveness to bring both of us joy.
@sctowell - Ah yes, who are you REALLY? That's the question isn't it. Who is the man under those layers of sweet words? Without the clichés to aid you?
@notjustbitchy - This is beautiful: "Eventually I just decided that if he wants to be freakishly, relentlessly nice to me all the time, he's allowed :)"
Well, at least u come across to me as more authentic and honest than the bulk of whiners, sweet talkers, and self proclaimed slaves and dominas which r populating (or should i say contaminating?) Cyberspace.
ReplyDelete