Recently I was interviewed by submissiveProud.
It was a bit of a shock to see something I said as an offhand comment given such prominence but I guess I can't control how others react to my words. For me, saying "I would like to empower other women to be more open about their dominance" is much less important than empowering submissive males to stand up for their right to be sweet, caring, and kind human beings.
Too often this society devalues basic qualities of kindness and consideration for others as weak. The language of insult is to compare to a woman.
These things push the male who is in touch with his whole humanity to consider himself more female rather than more whole. It gives rise to such phrases as "getting in touch with his feminine side" and ultimately to men who hate being men. The lack of sensual, pretty, beautiful clothing for men leads to men who crave artistic, beautiful, and sensuous clothing to turn to sissification, because they have no option to be beautiful creatures as men.
Can we just put the whole nonsense behind us as a species, please?
Kindness doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong. Harshness makes you weak. We all need to depend on each other, and isn't it so much nicer to be able to do so from trust and caring?
Sensuality is as much a human need and right as eating. Beauty uplifts the spirit, and being able to consider the self as beautiful is another source of self-esteem, making for a stronger person.
Is it really important that I said I'd like to empower other women? Are there so few voices of a female Dominant viewpoint out there that this could be considered important?
I'd like to empower everyone to have the freedom to choose what is right for them. Not for others, but just for them.
Let male Dominants be allowed to be Dominant, just educate them to not be assholes who think that all women should be subjugated. Let female Dominants be allowed and supported to be Dominant also. Let the beautiful slave women who love being slaves, be slaves. Let the switches be switchy. Let the men who love to be giving and to kneel, be allowed to give and to kneel. Let both women and men grow in beauty and power, and know they have the ability to choose whether to give or to receive that power.
Showing posts with label strength in submission. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strength in submission. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The Story of Twoo Domina and the Five Love Languages
How I feel loved:
I don't know. My distrust of words has made it difficult for me to say "you are beautiful and I'm grateful you're in my life" in the past. It's also very difficult for me to include another being in my world, because I have been so very alone I'm used to it now. Gifts? How could I give a gift to a slave. Would putting a slave to service count for him as my service to him? Touch is again, difficult to give.
I look at this and I feel ashamed, that I would be taking more than giving. Who would give himself for so little back? Are there men who desire this kind of constant giving, who feel more fulfilled by giving than by receiving? Who need to be needed, so much, that the giving would be enough?
- Words
These are nice but not that important. If any of the others are missing I will stop belief in the pretty words and trust you less and less. - Time
Again this is not that important to me. Some time together is necessary but I often prefer doing activities together, than being social. My time alone with myself to recharge who I am is more important to me, and intruding on that time is an act of aggression. I even like to sleep alone. Same room? Maybe, if you don't snore, and if you've been good, and if I don't need time alone. - Gifts
Maybe a little shallow but this does mean to me that you care enough to put your money where your mouth is. If you call me beautiful, then buy me beautiful things - and kinky things to hit you with. If you say you love me, then buy things to support my career or my charitable goals, or my non-kink playtime. - Service
So very important. I do not feel loved when the dishes are not done, the beds messy, the floor disgusting. Gifts do not make up for lack of service! - Touch
More important than touch is when to not touch. Yes, I love cuddling, and I looooooove having my feet massaged and spoiled. But when I need to be alone, I need to be ALONE.
I don't know. My distrust of words has made it difficult for me to say "you are beautiful and I'm grateful you're in my life" in the past. It's also very difficult for me to include another being in my world, because I have been so very alone I'm used to it now. Gifts? How could I give a gift to a slave. Would putting a slave to service count for him as my service to him? Touch is again, difficult to give.
I look at this and I feel ashamed, that I would be taking more than giving. Who would give himself for so little back? Are there men who desire this kind of constant giving, who feel more fulfilled by giving than by receiving? Who need to be needed, so much, that the giving would be enough?
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Sex, Money, Power - The Secular Holy Trinity
Recently received a letter from a submissive male, who was attracted by my being asexual because that meant, to him, that this D/s thing I do is natural and innate and somehow more "pure" because it's separate from the need for sex.
I'm sure that does a disservice to the many fully sexual Dominant women who also have a natural and innate need for D/s but who also need sex. However I guess in my case it's easier to see where the one leaves off and the other begins.
The ways of power and control are to have: desirability or money or knowledge that others want. Using these three concepts to gain what the Dominant one wants and desires.
I struggle with expressing Dominance because a lot of the ways to express that are about sexual Dominance. These are the scenarios I've seen:
To be sexually desirable is a source of power, but only when you use it. I think. Denial in the short term increases power but in the long term can cause unstable frustrations that can turn against the Dominant.
If you have money, you can use that to gain power over other people by manipulation of their desires for good things, or even for necessary things. But in a relationship dynamic of Domination, one partner having and possibly withholding resources could very easily be abused. Also, if I were to demand that a man give me all his money so that I have that power over him also, it brings up the archetype of the Greedy FinDomme - and his friends and family are more likely to be concerned about my fingers in his wallet than about my beating him!
If you have knowledge, you can use that to impress or influence, or to outright control a situation. Here, the tools of pain count as a way to achieve control, because of the knowledge of how to use the tools to achieve states of being in the submissive.
So here I am, desirable but not desiring, sensual rather than sadistic, and unwilling to take the step of demanding money because that's a whole HUGE can of worms I don't even want to deal with. Maybe I should deal with it instead of being scared of social backlash.
So what can I do in these three main concepts to gain the upper hand of power exchange in a relationship?
Desirability and Denial - this type of play seems to require occasional release for the man. His longing to actually have sex with me will be intensified by chastity. I could allow him to relieve his needs occasionally by masturbation, perhaps a specific vagina-like toy. Plus, that he would not be pleasing me sexually would mean he has less of an intimate surrender to MY pleasure than in a relationship with a sexual Dominant. Here, the relationship will be seen as less valid than a sexual one however. My fear in a teasing, chastity relationship would be that he couldn't be trusted to not push to have sex with me, especially if I'm doing everything I can to drive him wild. I don't even like kissing, how weird is that? Where is the line for control, when men have crossed that line so many times? Would it be harder or easier in chastity, if I could lock away the penis as a punishment if he tried to push me at all? Can I as an asexual being, have a relationship with a sexual being and have my partner happy in my inactivity? Michael Taylor said something on Good Men Project which gives me hope that's possible:
Monetary Control - this would immensely help me to achieve the dynamic I'm looking for. The man with a good job coming home, handing over his paycheck and stripping down to an apron to make us both dinner, then cleaning up and bringing me a hot cup of chocolate as I watch my favorite show. The man as a barrier for me keeping Patriarchy's ugliness out of my home. However, this is an area of self-identity almost MORE touchy than sex. Plus well, it seems greedy doesn't it? I'm not doing anything to deserve that, or am I? He would not have choice of what to buy, what to wear, because I would be doing the buying and choosing, with his money. I find this hot, however the stigma against Financial Domination (and the language used on the sites when I looked it up) just isn't the dynamic I'm looking for. How do I get this dynamic without stumbling on the money pigs and humiliation fetish that I'm just not into? My advantage here is that yes I do really enjoy dressing up and buying shoes, all those typical Plastic Fetish Barbie activities. So his family might understand that he enjoys me looking pretty and enjoys spending money on me. Do they need to know that his cheque goes into MY account and he has only access to a small amount for lunches and errands? Perhaps the right submissive would be worth that kind of trouble.
Knowledge is Power - here, the willingness to inflict pain helps place the submissive more easily into subspace. When they endure pain for you, it makes you more valuable because they have already sacrificed comfort and achieved a state of bliss through the pain they suffered for you. I'm fairly confident that a more sensual journey can be equally intense, however that is playtime of a scene, not the daily intense intimacy of a quickie before bed (but he can't have an orgasm). The best use for knowledge is daily training, things to drop the man quickly into a peaceful, relaxed-yet-excited, submissive mindset. This is possible, but again more difficult without the tools of pain, sex or monetary control.
Logistics. Are. A. Bitch.
Then again, none of this is worth even trying if the man doesn't engage my respect and admiration, and interest in his mind.
I'm too used to being alone. Too much reliance on keeping myself entertained in my own company. I want to be loved, but do I even have love to give? Would I be able to take the time to maintain intimacy on a daily basis with one who serves me well? Even one I found interesting initially?
Would serving me be too boring and vanilla without the "standard" tools of the Dominatrix, pain and sex?
I'm sure that does a disservice to the many fully sexual Dominant women who also have a natural and innate need for D/s but who also need sex. However I guess in my case it's easier to see where the one leaves off and the other begins.
The ways of power and control are to have: desirability or money or knowledge that others want. Using these three concepts to gain what the Dominant one wants and desires.
I struggle with expressing Dominance because a lot of the ways to express that are about sexual Dominance. These are the scenarios I've seen:
- I get sexual pleasure, you are denied, until I feel like it.
- I tease you, and deny you, and eventually when you are really good I may decide to grace you with a fulfilment of your desires.
- I am clothed but you are naked, you yearn for what is underneath the clothes and hope to someday be found worthy to see that. (The expectation is that someday the clothes DO come off? I think? And there is wild hot sex?)
- I see MY sexual needs met while yours are unfulfilled except as I see fit, in a hot little dance of "will she let me come today? What about tomorrow?"
- I take and use you for my pleasure, not caring if you get pleasure from it also even though I'm aware that you do. You are just a dildo, a robot toy to please me.
- I don't get sexual pleasure from you, so I tease and deny you while gaining sexual pleasure from other men who please me more than you ever could. But it turns you on to see me pleased even if someone else does the pleasing, so we are both fulfilled even though the relationship may look odd from the outside.
To be sexually desirable is a source of power, but only when you use it. I think. Denial in the short term increases power but in the long term can cause unstable frustrations that can turn against the Dominant.
If you have money, you can use that to gain power over other people by manipulation of their desires for good things, or even for necessary things. But in a relationship dynamic of Domination, one partner having and possibly withholding resources could very easily be abused. Also, if I were to demand that a man give me all his money so that I have that power over him also, it brings up the archetype of the Greedy FinDomme - and his friends and family are more likely to be concerned about my fingers in his wallet than about my beating him!
If you have knowledge, you can use that to impress or influence, or to outright control a situation. Here, the tools of pain count as a way to achieve control, because of the knowledge of how to use the tools to achieve states of being in the submissive.
So here I am, desirable but not desiring, sensual rather than sadistic, and unwilling to take the step of demanding money because that's a whole HUGE can of worms I don't even want to deal with. Maybe I should deal with it instead of being scared of social backlash.
So what can I do in these three main concepts to gain the upper hand of power exchange in a relationship?
Desirability and Denial - this type of play seems to require occasional release for the man. His longing to actually have sex with me will be intensified by chastity. I could allow him to relieve his needs occasionally by masturbation, perhaps a specific vagina-like toy. Plus, that he would not be pleasing me sexually would mean he has less of an intimate surrender to MY pleasure than in a relationship with a sexual Dominant. Here, the relationship will be seen as less valid than a sexual one however. My fear in a teasing, chastity relationship would be that he couldn't be trusted to not push to have sex with me, especially if I'm doing everything I can to drive him wild. I don't even like kissing, how weird is that? Where is the line for control, when men have crossed that line so many times? Would it be harder or easier in chastity, if I could lock away the penis as a punishment if he tried to push me at all? Can I as an asexual being, have a relationship with a sexual being and have my partner happy in my inactivity? Michael Taylor said something on Good Men Project which gives me hope that's possible:
True love is a function of the heart and mind and has absolutely nothing to do with your penis. If you really want to make love, leave your penis in your pants and learn to take out your heart and share it with your mate.
Monetary Control - this would immensely help me to achieve the dynamic I'm looking for. The man with a good job coming home, handing over his paycheck and stripping down to an apron to make us both dinner, then cleaning up and bringing me a hot cup of chocolate as I watch my favorite show. The man as a barrier for me keeping Patriarchy's ugliness out of my home. However, this is an area of self-identity almost MORE touchy than sex. Plus well, it seems greedy doesn't it? I'm not doing anything to deserve that, or am I? He would not have choice of what to buy, what to wear, because I would be doing the buying and choosing, with his money. I find this hot, however the stigma against Financial Domination (and the language used on the sites when I looked it up) just isn't the dynamic I'm looking for. How do I get this dynamic without stumbling on the money pigs and humiliation fetish that I'm just not into? My advantage here is that yes I do really enjoy dressing up and buying shoes, all those typical Plastic Fetish Barbie activities. So his family might understand that he enjoys me looking pretty and enjoys spending money on me. Do they need to know that his cheque goes into MY account and he has only access to a small amount for lunches and errands? Perhaps the right submissive would be worth that kind of trouble.
Knowledge is Power - here, the willingness to inflict pain helps place the submissive more easily into subspace. When they endure pain for you, it makes you more valuable because they have already sacrificed comfort and achieved a state of bliss through the pain they suffered for you. I'm fairly confident that a more sensual journey can be equally intense, however that is playtime of a scene, not the daily intense intimacy of a quickie before bed (but he can't have an orgasm). The best use for knowledge is daily training, things to drop the man quickly into a peaceful, relaxed-yet-excited, submissive mindset. This is possible, but again more difficult without the tools of pain, sex or monetary control.
Logistics. Are. A. Bitch.
Then again, none of this is worth even trying if the man doesn't engage my respect and admiration, and interest in his mind.
I'm too used to being alone. Too much reliance on keeping myself entertained in my own company. I want to be loved, but do I even have love to give? Would I be able to take the time to maintain intimacy on a daily basis with one who serves me well? Even one I found interesting initially?
Would serving me be too boring and vanilla without the "standard" tools of the Dominatrix, pain and sex?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Disrespecting the Submissive Male
As tomio points out in the beautiful comments on my first post, here I am perpetuating the stereotype of the weak submissive man.
So why is that?
I'm a Dominant woman and I love submissive males. They complete who I am. Right? But here I am, being disrespectful, even as I become sick at the fantasy of total disrespect. (Which I can sort of appreciate as a performance piece but even then... I kind of want to puke.)
Attitudes are such insidious things, aren't they. You can pick one up at a party like an unwelcome virus, go home, and never even realize it's not yours.
Part of this is that I just don't understand how anyone could submit and enjoy it, even as I enjoy that they enjoy it. I'm reassured that I'm not an abusive freak (like the people who tried to do things to me without my consent or awareness of what they were doing) by their enjoyment of it. It comforts me even as it gives me a rush. I got away with something that should have been bad but instead was amazing, and it's all because of a submissive man allowing me to be that controlling, beating, domineering bitch that I would never be able to be in polite company. I'm the weak one here, the wuss, the control freak because somehow deep down I'm insecure, maybe? But you turn your power over to me and trust me with it and I get to trust that you're strong enough I won't break you, and trust myself that I will be responsible with that power even as it goes to my head.
So even as I think you're amazing, strong, incredible... I can't fathom how you enjoy it. It's completely ALIEN.
Again, that I've never NEEDED any of this, rears up and I can't understand how people might NEED it, need that release and that escape and that subspace, to the point they reach for it despite other commitments that may make reaching for it dangerous. In a way I need it, but I've often been more okay with myself out of a relationship than in one, so needing a particular type of relationship that's tough to find the right match for is bearable. If I don't get it, I'm alone. So? I've always been alone, even in relationships.
This one's tough. I can't understand, therefore it's too easy to think of someone as weak for needing it, for taking risks that might kill their relationships among family or prevent access to their children unless they hide it from the world while struggling with who they are. When they're not weak, they're being fully honest to who they are, and trying to sort it out as best they can, which is all any of us can do.
So why is that?
I'm a Dominant woman and I love submissive males. They complete who I am. Right? But here I am, being disrespectful, even as I become sick at the fantasy of total disrespect. (Which I can sort of appreciate as a performance piece but even then... I kind of want to puke.)
Attitudes are such insidious things, aren't they. You can pick one up at a party like an unwelcome virus, go home, and never even realize it's not yours.
Part of this is that I just don't understand how anyone could submit and enjoy it, even as I enjoy that they enjoy it. I'm reassured that I'm not an abusive freak (like the people who tried to do things to me without my consent or awareness of what they were doing) by their enjoyment of it. It comforts me even as it gives me a rush. I got away with something that should have been bad but instead was amazing, and it's all because of a submissive man allowing me to be that controlling, beating, domineering bitch that I would never be able to be in polite company. I'm the weak one here, the wuss, the control freak because somehow deep down I'm insecure, maybe? But you turn your power over to me and trust me with it and I get to trust that you're strong enough I won't break you, and trust myself that I will be responsible with that power even as it goes to my head.
So even as I think you're amazing, strong, incredible... I can't fathom how you enjoy it. It's completely ALIEN.
Again, that I've never NEEDED any of this, rears up and I can't understand how people might NEED it, need that release and that escape and that subspace, to the point they reach for it despite other commitments that may make reaching for it dangerous. In a way I need it, but I've often been more okay with myself out of a relationship than in one, so needing a particular type of relationship that's tough to find the right match for is bearable. If I don't get it, I'm alone. So? I've always been alone, even in relationships.
This one's tough. I can't understand, therefore it's too easy to think of someone as weak for needing it, for taking risks that might kill their relationships among family or prevent access to their children unless they hide it from the world while struggling with who they are. When they're not weak, they're being fully honest to who they are, and trying to sort it out as best they can, which is all any of us can do.
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