The Story of Twoo Domina and the Five Love Languages

How I feel loved:

1. Words
   These are nice but not that important. If any of the others are missing I will stop belief in the pretty words and trust you less and less.
2. Time
   Again this is not that important to me. Some time together is necessary but I often prefer doing activities together, than being social. My time alone with myself to recharge who I am is more important to me, and intruding on that time is an act of aggression. I even like to sleep alone. Same room? Maybe, if you don't snore, and if you've been good, and if I don't need time alone.
3. Gifts
   Maybe a little shallow but this does mean to me that you care enough to put your money where your mouth is. If you call me beautiful, then buy me beautiful things - and kinky things to hit you with. If you say you love me, then buy things to support my career or my charitable goals, or my non-kink playtime.
4. Service
   So very important. I do not feel loved when the dishes are not done, the beds messy, the floor disgusting. Gifts do not make up for lack of service!
5. Touch
   More important than touch is when to not touch. Yes, I love cuddling, and I looooooove having my feet massaged and spoiled. But when I need to be alone, I need to be ALONE.

How I give love:

I don't know. My distrust of words has made it difficult for me to say "you are beautiful and I'm grateful you're in my life" in the past. It's also very difficult for me to include another being in my world, because I have been so very alone I'm used to it now. Gifts? How could I give a gift to a slave. Would putting a slave to service count for him as my service to him? Touch is again, difficult to give.

I look at this and I feel ashamed, that I would be taking more than giving. Who would give himself for so little back? Are there men who desire this kind of constant giving, who feel more fulfilled by giving than by receiving? Who need to be needed, so much, that the giving would be enough?

Rewarding the submissive without sex?

So now I ask you a question: In what ways can you be rewarded when sex is not happening?

In reading Denying Thumper, it seemed that often he was rewarded for his denial and chastity by pleasing his mistress sexually. It is still gratifying for a man to see his woman enjoying herself and having an orgasm, this intensifies his desire for one himself simply because it is so hot for him to see her that way and makes chastity a bearable pain. Something worth going through, for her.

So what would reward you in a relationship if you never see her orgasm, if you never have that reward of her pleasure? If it never gets hot and steamy and amazing?

Is my asexuality positive choice or innate?

Started to respond to an email but realized it would be better as a post. The question was if my asexuality was a positive choice.

I read once on Fetlife, a comment where someone stated that rape makes women find more enjoyment in rough sex afterwards. This opinion was stated as fact. FACT! Someone had a hidden agenda there, to destroy women's enjoyment of sex completely all over the world. But many take this as true, when the opposite is true. Rape, real rape, makes people find less enjoyment in sex.

As for me, I started off not needing or wanting sex to be happy, and to have fun with it was a huge effort not really worth my time for such a temporary enjoyment, that I made as a concession to my vanilla partners, as an attempt to seem normal. Yes I had fun, but it was still messy and uncomfortable and I'd rather just play videogames together, or beat him. After the constant pressures to be sexual for other people but not for myself, I find sex disgusting and non-sexy. Don't get me wrong, I have had great sex. I just find it non-important. Now I have health issues where I can't have intercourse, and they still press for it! Pathetic.

I despise those who can't control themselves. If I don't respect someone for their character and morals I find them less and less attractive. That I control my desires much more easily is perhaps unfair but this control should be a goal for everyone. A big sexual drive should never be something used as an excuse to ignore and dehumanize others' needs. So you have a big drive? Go tire yourself out to the point you are capable to behave well with others.

Sexual dominance in animals is often born of the amount of sex drive they have. So then, too, people claim that I can't possibly be Dominant while being asexual. I am quiet, soft-spoken, sensual not hard, so of course, I must be submissive, no? They then try to dominate me into sex! Again a turnoff, not only ignoring my sexual needs but my emotional ones as well. Then puzzled that I could possibly turn down all that man! Pathetic, again. I am always clear about what I want and what I need, people ignore that and don't understand why I'm not happy to jump into bed with them? How stupid.

How unsexy is stupidity.

Then the despair that all men are stupid and half of women also. The always feeling very alone, but happier alone than with others because of the lack of pressure to be something I'm not.


So I was not quite asexual to start off with - capable of feeling attraction, capable of orgasm, but my drive was close to nonexistent.

Even looking at celebrities other women want, I get no response, no buzz. These are celebrities - men with looks, money, talent, power - and I don't want them. Some regular guy wants me, what does he bring to me, when I don't even want a man for looks, money, talent, and power all together?

Now so many things are a turnoff that I choose to identify as asexual, in order to avoid constant explanations of where the boundaries are, and exactly how meaningless sex is for me: Look, but don't touch. It was not a positive choice at all. I would have preferred a considerate, sexy, smart, moral, capable man with the self-control to wait for me to have that moment of actually wanting sex, months, even years. Now I don't want it at all because after being attacked and pressured over and over, my needs and desires ignored, has made it all sour. There is no sweetness in the world to fix this.


You can't unpressure. You can't unrape. You can't undominate someone who hated every second of your clumsy attempt and you can't make them undespise you for trying. So have self control in the first place and listen to what the person tells you they need.

Sex, Money, Power - The Secular Holy Trinity

Recently received a letter from a submissive male, who was attracted by my being asexual because that meant, to him, that this D/s thing I do is natural and innate and somehow more "pure" because it's separate from the need for sex.

I'm sure that does a disservice to the many fully sexual Dominant women who also have a natural and innate need for D/s but who also need sex. However I guess in my case it's easier to see where the one leaves off and the other begins.

The ways of power and control are to have: desirability or money or knowledge that others want. Using these three concepts to gain what the Dominant one wants and desires.

I struggle with expressing Dominance because a lot of the ways to express that are about sexual Dominance. These are the scenarios I've seen:

• I get sexual pleasure, you are denied, until I feel like it.
• I tease you, and deny you, and eventually when you are really good I may decide to grace you with a fulfilment of your desires.
• I am clothed but you are naked, you yearn for what is underneath the clothes and hope to someday be found worthy to see that. (The expectation is that someday the clothes DO come off? I think? And there is wild hot sex?)
• I see MY sexual needs met while yours are unfulfilled except as I see fit,  in a hot little dance of "will she let me come today? What about tomorrow?"
• I take and use you for my pleasure, not caring if you get pleasure from it also even though I'm aware that you do. You are just a dildo, a robot toy to please me.
• I don't get sexual pleasure from you, so I tease and deny you while gaining sexual pleasure from other men who please me more than you ever could. But it turns you on to see me pleased even if someone else does the pleasing, so we are both fulfilled even though the relationship may look odd from the outside.

But with me, tomorrow never comes. I can't be pleased. I don't want other men to please me because none of them do either. I was given a dildo once as a gift and it was sitting in a box for 10 years. No joke. I didn't need it and completely forgot I even had it.

To be sexually desirable is a source of power, but only when you use it. I think. Denial in the short term increases power but in the long term can cause unstable frustrations that can turn against the Dominant.

If you have money, you can use that to gain power over other people by manipulation of their desires for good things, or even for necessary things. But in a relationship dynamic of Domination, one partner having and possibly withholding resources could very easily be abused. Also, if I were to demand that a man give me all his money so that I have that power over him also, it brings up the archetype of the Greedy FinDomme - and his friends and family are more likely to be concerned about my fingers in his wallet than about my beating him!

If you have knowledge, you can use that to impress or influence, or to outright control a situation. Here, the tools of pain count as a way to achieve control, because of the knowledge of how to use the tools to achieve states of being in the submissive.

So here I am, desirable but not desiring, sensual rather than sadistic, and unwilling to take the step of demanding money because that's a whole HUGE can of worms I don't even want to deal with. Maybe I should deal with it instead of being scared of social backlash.

So what can I do in these three main concepts to gain the upper hand of power exchange in a relationship?

Desirability and Denial - this type of play seems to require occasional release for the man. His longing to actually have sex with me will be intensified by chastity. I could allow him to relieve his needs occasionally by masturbation, perhaps a specific vagina-like toy. Plus, that he would not be pleasing me sexually would mean he has less of an intimate surrender to MY pleasure than in a relationship with a sexual Dominant. Here, the relationship will be seen as less valid than a sexual one however. My fear in a teasing, chastity relationship would be that he couldn't be trusted to not push to have sex with me, especially if I'm doing everything I can to drive him wild. I don't even like kissing, how weird is that? Where is the line for control, when men have crossed that line so many times? Would it be harder or easier in chastity, if I could lock away the penis as a punishment if he tried to push me at all? Can I as an asexual being, have a relationship with a sexual being and have my partner happy in my inactivity? Michael Taylor said something on Good Men Project which gives me hope that's possible:

True love is a function of the heart and mind and has absolutely nothing to do with your penis. If you really want to make love, leave your penis in your pants and learn to take out your heart and share it with your mate.

Monetary Control - this would immensely help me to achieve the dynamic I'm looking for. The man with a good job coming home, handing over his paycheck and stripping down to an apron to make us both dinner, then cleaning up and bringing me a hot cup of chocolate as I watch my favorite show. The man as a barrier for me keeping Patriarchy's ugliness out of my home. However, this is an area of self-identity almost MORE touchy than sex. Plus well, it seems greedy doesn't it? I'm not doing anything to deserve that, or am I? He would not have choice of what to buy, what to wear, because I would be doing the buying and choosing, with his money. I find this hot, however the stigma against Financial Domination (and the language used on the sites when I looked it up) just isn't the dynamic I'm looking for. How do I get this dynamic without stumbling on the money pigs and humiliation fetish that I'm just not into? My advantage here is that yes I do really enjoy dressing up and buying shoes, all those typical Plastic Fetish Barbie activities. So his family might understand that he enjoys me looking pretty and enjoys spending money on me. Do they need to know that his cheque goes into MY account and he has only access to a small amount for lunches and errands? Perhaps the right submissive would be worth that kind of trouble.

Knowledge is Power - here, the willingness to inflict pain helps place the submissive more easily into subspace. When they endure pain for you, it makes you more valuable because they have already sacrificed comfort and achieved a state of bliss through the pain they suffered for you. I'm fairly confident that a more sensual journey can be equally intense, however that is playtime of a scene, not the daily intense intimacy of a quickie before bed (but he can't have an orgasm). The best use for knowledge is daily training, things to drop the man quickly into a peaceful, relaxed-yet-excited, submissive mindset. This is possible, but again more difficult without the tools of pain, sex or monetary control.

Logistics. Are. A. Bitch.

Then again, none of this is worth even trying if the man doesn't engage my respect and admiration, and interest in his mind.

I'm too used to being alone. Too much reliance on keeping myself entertained in my own company. I want to be loved, but do I even have love to give? Would I be able to take the time to maintain intimacy on a daily basis with one who serves me well? Even one I found interesting initially?

Would serving me be too boring and vanilla without the "standard" tools of the Dominatrix, pain and sex?

Asexuality and Sex-Positivity

Recently I was challenged by @kittystryker on my attitude towards "hookers with a whip" displayed in my first blog post:

In the scene, a curious dichotomy of opinion on Pro-Dommes arises because of this fact. Some hate them for catering to men, and say they're nothing more than whores with whips. Some of them are nothing more than whores with whips, and do escort services as well.

 My prejudice is showing and I have to apologize to sex workers. Because what I said was patronizing and stupid. Her reply points that out beautifully:

[Y]ou can be a pro Domme who has sex with clients and be a Domme off work. We exist, too

If there's nothing wrong with sex work, which I can understand being a valid career choice for some women (and men) if they really enjoy sex and which would be safer if legislation supported it as legitimate work, then there can be nothing wrong with offering Domination and sex together.

That it's not my thing doesn't give me the right to look down on it.

That my reaction is born of frustration with people wanting to have sex with me when I don't want or need sex at all to feel fulfilled as a human being, still doesn't excuse it.

But how can I be sex-positive when sex hasn't been positive for me?

I have felt the ache of desire once or twice in my life, so I can vaguely understand how annoying it is when the object of desire is unavailable or unattainable. I seem to inspire it in others, to the point they go crazy and stupid when I reject them. It's not difficult to realize that's their problem, but when they make it my problem by threatening me, or by pursuing me because I'm "hard to get" and pretending to be what I'm looking for it becomes more unavoidable, and something I resent.

I love to look beautiful, but I'm afraid to be beautiful because then I'm crushed under an overwhelming wave of other people's needs, without any need inside me to match it.

Like when I listen to loud music and I yell along, not out of enjoyment, but to equalize the pressure of inner and outer sound, because it helps somehow to meet the wave of outer force with an inner wave of force. With sex, I have no inner wave of force to summon up to make it bearable.

How do I attract a sub to match me if I don't present as attractive, but when I present as attractive I attract men who want a kinky girlfriend-next-door? Ignore who I am and what I want because I'm beautiful enough that they feel that aching need for me to the point of stupidity. It's flattering. I'm sure I'll miss it when I'm older in a selfish, egotistical way.

My reaction has been to use them for what I can. Because eventually they'll realize that I'm not what they wanted anyway. They were fooled by the beauty and hoped that by getting close to me they would eventually have the chance to have sex. So then I use them and I'm a user, because it wasn't what either of us wanted but they insisted on being close to me, so I may as well, right? Until the scales come off their eyes and they see the person and realize that hey, I was right when I said we don't suit.

I see people that others want to have sex with, and although they might be beautiful, attractive, desirable, I have as much desire to fuck them as I have to fuck a beautiful sunrise. It's beautiful, it's there, I just don't want to fuck it. I can see that it's beautiful and desirable, and I prefer looking at beautiful and desirable (don't get me wrong, teddy-bear or cute is great too) it's just as meaningless in a sexual way as a natural object.

Plus, I'd rather have a small orgasm by listening to Opera than a large one by bumping uglies. After orgasm by listening to music I feel uplifted and not sticky, and I still feel uplifted the next day instead of uncomfortable with weird sensations in my body.

If I was the earth and you were the sky, and together we make the world, just by being near one another...

Once, I saw the most beautiful, gorgeous man ever. I was almost wet... then he opened his mouth and had the observable IQ of a wet noodle. Instantly unattracted as he became almost a featureless cardboard cutout of a man, not even as beautiful as I thought him initially. Reinforcing again that other things are just so much more important to me than sex or appearance.

Another time, a brief moment seeing the most HOT, SEXY hunk of a man I've ever seen... my mouth watering and my panties getting wet... it was a complete wonder to me that I felt something, anything at all. Like suddenly there's colour in the world. But his friends were misogynistic creepers so I didn't even give him a chance. I would have had to let them into my space if I let him into my space. So no. No regrets. I've seen colours now, and other things are still more important.

Those two moments made me think briefly that maybe I wasn't asexual. But then I realized this is how most people feel looking at reasonably attractive people. Maybe I'm lucky having felt that way at all, and being able to relate to normal people's needs that much more than someone who's never even felt attraction.

When I look at someone, I can see logically that they are attractive or not, but it doesn't have emotion attached to it, or any drive to leap on them. Occasionally I'll look at a picture of a man tied up, or naked with a cute butt, and I'll want to slap or flog that. It's still not sexual, even when it's a rush or a thrill. It doesn't get me wet it just makes me really happy.

So how to be sex-positive? All I can do is try to understand, and try to fight for safety and informed choice to be available to everyone. Even for things I could never be into, like sex itself.