Rewarding the submissive without sex?

So now I ask you a question: In what ways can you be rewarded when sex is not happening?

In reading Denying Thumper, it seemed that often he was rewarded for his denial and chastity by pleasing his mistress sexually. It is still gratifying for a man to see his woman enjoying herself and having an orgasm, this intensifies his desire for one himself simply because it is so hot for him to see her that way and makes chastity a bearable pain. Something worth going through, for her.

So what would reward you in a relationship if you never see her orgasm, if you never have that reward of her pleasure? If it never gets hot and steamy and amazing?

Why Consent is the Keystone

Lately I've been seeing an explosion of posts on the subject of abuse within BDSM. Women who've been groped at their first public play party. Men or women submissives who've had their limits pushed in ways that left them wrecked and then angry.

But isn't BDSM about abuse? Isn't what we do abusive?

NO.

How can that be?

We beat people, torture people, use people for household services and yes, sometimes money. We make them lick our feet, treat them as dogs or servants or even ashtrays for those that smoke...

And none of this is abuse, because of consent.

Clearly communicated, negotiated consent is the most beautiful thing in the world. Consent is what makes us NOT merely criminals, NOT victims, NOT predators.

It's also the most rare, even within the BDSM community.

The unfortunate truth is that predators of the criminal kind DO hide out in our communities. It's the nice, obedient sub who makes everyone brownies, and is publicly the perfect sub, but who rapes any woman who falls for the lie and takes him home. It's the male "dumbinant" who treats every woman as if she should be his slave, including Dominant women.

Consent is about restraint. It's about being in charge of yourself as the Dominant, and being honest as the submissive. It's about care and consideration for the other person in a scene and out. It's about making it good for everyone involved even as you do things that are nasty and depraved and seemingly abusive. It's about obeying a rule of law greater than the laws of the land - do unto others with the same care for their needs as they would have you do unto them. Just, their needs are to be spanked like a naughty boy and used by a beautiful, powerful woman. I think we're discovering now just how normal that really is, because of the proliferation of communication in this century.

Some people just don't find personal restraint to be sexy. I do.

Think about it. What's most hot - someone who has the power to overcome you through raw force, or someone who has that power but uses it lightly.

Consent lifts us up from the criminal into something almost spiritual. Where the sub is on a shamanic journey of pain-into-bliss, and the Dominant is steering the broomstick with paddlewhacks. Where the sub is doing seva (self-enlightenment through service, work offered to God,) through their devotion to a person.

Not having consent, robs BOTH participants of the beauty and power available in a truly consensually "abusive" relationship. Lack of consent gives a lack of transcendence.

I want transcendence. The power to turn this horrible, negative thing into something spiritually beautiful. The ability to restrain from acting on kinky desires until full, informed, communicated consent is given, is a sign of greater power and greater self-confidence. Once the scene begins, it's a controlled, beautiful, ever-shifting journey, where I feed off the enjoyment created by what I'm making him do. And that's hot.

Disrespecting the Submissive Male

As tomio points out in the beautiful comments on my first post, here I am perpetuating the stereotype of the weak submissive man.

So why is that?

I'm a Dominant woman and I love submissive males. They complete who I am. Right? But here I am, being disrespectful, even as I become sick at the fantasy of total disrespect. (Which I can sort of appreciate as a performance piece but even then... I kind of want to puke.)

Attitudes are such insidious things, aren't they. You can pick one up at a party like an unwelcome virus, go home, and never even realize it's not yours.

Part of this is that I just don't understand how anyone could submit and enjoy it, even as I enjoy that they enjoy it. I'm reassured that I'm not an abusive freak (like the people who tried to do things to me without my consent or awareness of what they were doing) by their enjoyment of it. It comforts me even as it gives me a rush. I got away with something that should have been bad but instead was amazing, and it's all because of a submissive man allowing me to be that controlling, beating, domineering bitch that I would never be able to be in polite company. I'm the weak one here, the wuss, the control freak because somehow deep down I'm insecure, maybe? But you turn your power over to me and trust me with it and I get to trust that you're strong enough I won't break you, and trust myself that I will be responsible with that power even as it goes to my head.

So even as I think you're amazing, strong, incredible... I can't fathom how you enjoy it. It's completely ALIEN.

Again, that I've never NEEDED any of this, rears up and I can't understand how people might NEED it, need that release and that escape and that subspace, to the point they reach for it despite other commitments that may make reaching for it dangerous. In a way I need it, but I've often been more okay with myself out of a relationship than in one, so needing a particular type of relationship that's tough to find the right match for is bearable. If I don't get it, I'm alone. So? I've always been alone, even in relationships.

This one's tough. I can't understand, therefore it's too easy to think of someone as weak for needing it, for taking risks that might kill their relationships among family or prevent access to their children unless they hide it from the world while struggling with who they are. When they're not weak, they're being fully honest to who they are, and trying to sort it out as best they can, which is all any of us can do.

Asexuality and Sex-Positivity

Recently I was challenged by @kittystryker on my attitude towards "hookers with a whip" displayed in my first blog post:

In the scene, a curious dichotomy of opinion on Pro-Dommes arises because of this fact. Some hate them for catering to men, and say they're nothing more than whores with whips. Some of them are nothing more than whores with whips, and do escort services as well.

 My prejudice is showing and I have to apologize to sex workers. Because what I said was patronizing and stupid. Her reply points that out beautifully:

[Y]ou can be a pro Domme who has sex with clients and be a Domme off work. We exist, too

If there's nothing wrong with sex work, which I can understand being a valid career choice for some women (and men) if they really enjoy sex and which would be safer if legislation supported it as legitimate work, then there can be nothing wrong with offering Domination and sex together.

That it's not my thing doesn't give me the right to look down on it.

That my reaction is born of frustration with people wanting to have sex with me when I don't want or need sex at all to feel fulfilled as a human being, still doesn't excuse it.

But how can I be sex-positive when sex hasn't been positive for me?

I have felt the ache of desire once or twice in my life, so I can vaguely understand how annoying it is when the object of desire is unavailable or unattainable. I seem to inspire it in others, to the point they go crazy and stupid when I reject them. It's not difficult to realize that's their problem, but when they make it my problem by threatening me, or by pursuing me because I'm "hard to get" and pretending to be what I'm looking for it becomes more unavoidable, and something I resent.

I love to look beautiful, but I'm afraid to be beautiful because then I'm crushed under an overwhelming wave of other people's needs, without any need inside me to match it.

Like when I listen to loud music and I yell along, not out of enjoyment, but to equalize the pressure of inner and outer sound, because it helps somehow to meet the wave of outer force with an inner wave of force. With sex, I have no inner wave of force to summon up to make it bearable.

How do I attract a sub to match me if I don't present as attractive, but when I present as attractive I attract men who want a kinky girlfriend-next-door? Ignore who I am and what I want because I'm beautiful enough that they feel that aching need for me to the point of stupidity. It's flattering. I'm sure I'll miss it when I'm older in a selfish, egotistical way.

My reaction has been to use them for what I can. Because eventually they'll realize that I'm not what they wanted anyway. They were fooled by the beauty and hoped that by getting close to me they would eventually have the chance to have sex. So then I use them and I'm a user, because it wasn't what either of us wanted but they insisted on being close to me, so I may as well, right? Until the scales come off their eyes and they see the person and realize that hey, I was right when I said we don't suit.

I see people that others want to have sex with, and although they might be beautiful, attractive, desirable, I have as much desire to fuck them as I have to fuck a beautiful sunrise. It's beautiful, it's there, I just don't want to fuck it. I can see that it's beautiful and desirable, and I prefer looking at beautiful and desirable (don't get me wrong, teddy-bear or cute is great too) it's just as meaningless in a sexual way as a natural object.

Plus, I'd rather have a small orgasm by listening to Opera than a large one by bumping uglies. After orgasm by listening to music I feel uplifted and not sticky, and I still feel uplifted the next day instead of uncomfortable with weird sensations in my body.

If I was the earth and you were the sky, and together we make the world, just by being near one another...

Once, I saw the most beautiful, gorgeous man ever. I was almost wet... then he opened his mouth and had the observable IQ of a wet noodle. Instantly unattracted as he became almost a featureless cardboard cutout of a man, not even as beautiful as I thought him initially. Reinforcing again that other things are just so much more important to me than sex or appearance.

Another time, a brief moment seeing the most HOT, SEXY hunk of a man I've ever seen... my mouth watering and my panties getting wet... it was a complete wonder to me that I felt something, anything at all. Like suddenly there's colour in the world. But his friends were misogynistic creepers so I didn't even give him a chance. I would have had to let them into my space if I let him into my space. So no. No regrets. I've seen colours now, and other things are still more important.

Those two moments made me think briefly that maybe I wasn't asexual. But then I realized this is how most people feel looking at reasonably attractive people. Maybe I'm lucky having felt that way at all, and being able to relate to normal people's needs that much more than someone who's never even felt attraction.

When I look at someone, I can see logically that they are attractive or not, but it doesn't have emotion attached to it, or any drive to leap on them. Occasionally I'll look at a picture of a man tied up, or naked with a cute butt, and I'll want to slap or flog that. It's still not sexual, even when it's a rush or a thrill. It doesn't get me wet it just makes me really happy.

So how to be sex-positive? All I can do is try to understand, and try to fight for safety and informed choice to be available to everyone. Even for things I could never be into, like sex itself.

I am a Twoo Domme! Rawr!

As a woman, who identifies as dominant in the DS sense - that I prefer to be in charge in relationships, that I wish for mastery of self and mastery of others, I've been very frustrated in my experience of the bdsm community.

Aside from a few rare events solely orchestrated by women FOR women, the male-centric worldview keeps ticking along without any challenge.

Even a quick glance at the porn available for female domination reveals very little actual female domination. It's all about the hot plastic staged pro-domme, more interested in the camera, and much more interested in the money than anything else, being ordered around by the so-called submissive in the scene. It's still all about what the man wants, and a "true" domme is one who delivers the pain and sex that the man desires, in exchange for his money. All the pictures of this, are made for male bottoms, but labelled as female domination - NOT as female topping!

In the scene, a curious dichotomy of opinion on Pro-Dommes arises because of this fact. Some hate them for catering to men, and say they're nothing more than whores with whips. Some of them are nothing more than whores with whips, and do escort services as well. Others provide a service of pain that these men crave, but are too craven to ask their girlfriends or wives to provide and have a high level of professional quality in their work. (EDIT - Please read comment below by Galiana Chance about other aspects of Pro-Domination, expressed MUCH better than I could say!)

But there's another dichotomy around Lifestyle Dominants. Rarely do you see male so-called dominants telling another male dominant that all they really need is a true male dom to reveal their submissive side for them. Conventionally (and sometimes unconventially) attractive females, of any orientation, are constantly harrassed in local community events, until they prove they deserve their place.

Me? I'm young, beautiful, and completely asexual. I don't want or need sex to feel fulfilled. I've rarely ever felt sexual attraction to anyone. Because of that, I feel completely marginalized in the bdsm community. As a female dominant, I'm expected to want to have sex with my submissive(s). If I take his gifts and his money, I'm an evil financial domme and, for not providing sex, I'm an evil user not a "true" domme, and I should be providing a service for the money! If I had sex, I would be nothing more than a glorified prostitute, which is even more of a turn-off. Showing up at an event, I get swarmed by men, many of whom attempt to pinch my butt, until it gets out that I'm dominant. Because, it's totally acceptable to pinch a strange woman's butt at a party! I mean, wtf?

My first introduction to bdsm was in high school. The school's token "goth" dressed in black and led her boyfriend around on a leash. They both seemed to really enjoy shocking the normals. I didn't care.

After that, repeated attempts by men to be abusive to me, or to get me to dress up in leather and whip them for their pleasure, just put me off men more and more. Women mean nothing to me sexually, so now I'm left unattracted to either sex. It wasn't until I started researching bdsm more seriously after exiting a completely abusive relationship where the man had pretended to be sweet, kind, caring, and submissive to me - until I moved in - that I realized what I'd been missing my entire life.

I am a dominant woman. Despite the attempts of people around me to "break" me and make me something other than what I am, they can't break my fantasies. I crave being in control, in charge, worshiped and adored. Although I like to give pain, it's not important to me. Nothing is important to me but knowing that my slave is obedient and intelligent in his service to me. I want to know, that my life and my happiness, is more important to him, than his life and his happiness. It has nothing to do with hot kinky sex, just pure DS. A vanilla life, with kids, where I happen to simply be in charge, and where the man works his ass off to please me. Buck stops here. I come first, always, as a matter of course, which gives me the freedom to then consider his needs and his interests.

As for the slave? Try being a man. A strong, gentle, kind, intelligent, helpful, adorable, geeky MAN. Who obeys me. Who likes getting tied up. Who doesn't need to be tied up or beaten but enjoys it when it happens. Who has a solid base of vanilla wholesomeness. Who respects himself but obeys me because he WANTS THIS.

This, isn't shown in the media. It's always some hot chick in leather or latex being ordered to fuck a guy in the ass, or to lick her pussy. Men look at this, get turned on by tits-ass-cunt, think that they want a "female dominant" and go to a local party where they try to "hook up" with a woman who will do all the nasty dirty naughty things they're ashamed of wanting, while wearing materials they find hot.

Obey me when I'm wearing a tshirt and jeans, not just when I'm wearing a leather corset. When I've been sick for a week and smell like a dumpster, not just when I'm freshly showered and coiffed and prettified. When you don't want to do what I want, but you do it anyway because I want it. Because you chose this, because you're not just a slave, but MY slave. Because you love me.

I am a Twoo Domina. Hear me rawr!